


Midwinter

by snowflakesandsunflowers



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Gang Behavior, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Slow Burn, past Grace/Tommy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2020-10-06 02:19:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 25,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20499257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowflakesandsunflowers/pseuds/snowflakesandsunflowers
Summary: Tommy Shelby has demons. Annie Lewis, the new nanny at Arrow House, has some too.





	1. Somewhere I Lost It All

**Author's Note:**

> First time I've written about Thomas Shelby. Or any Shelby for that matter! If you have feedback to give I would love to hear it.

The back and forth tick-tock coming from a large grandfather clock that sat against the wall opposite of her was loud in her ears. The ticking matched the thunderous beating of her heart. Her knee bounced nervously underneath the skirt of her dark green dress.

“Stop it.” The woman sitting in a chair beside her hissed out. 

“Sorry...Sorry, ma’am.” 

“Don’t call me ma’am.” Polly Gray narrowed her dark eyes and the younger woman's knee stopped. “You have no reason to be nervous. You can hold a child. You’ll be hired.” She knew that Polly was right. There would be no reason she wouldn’t get this position. All they needed was a nanny and she could do that.

“But can you shoot a gun?” Came a deep, raspy voice from behind her. Annie froze, but Polly sighed.

“Fuck, Tommy. Stop trying to scare her off.” The smell of burnt tobacco and earth and something else she couldn’t place surrounded the dark headed girl. “This is Annie Lewis. Annie, this is  
Thomas Shelby, your new employer.” Annie’s eyes widened at the words that left Polly’s mouth.

“Already hired the nanny for my son, have ya’ Pol’?” The man named Thomas Shelby walked behind the desk that was in front of Annie and Polly.

“Well, I knew you weren’t going to do it.” Her tone, Annie gathered, was very matter-of-fact. “So, I did it for you. Charlie needs someone, Tommy.” Annie’s eyes were locked on her clasped hands. She felt as if this conversation was not meant for her ears. She wanted the chair to swallow her whole.

“You think you know what my own son needs more than I do?” Annie looked up briefly to see bright blue eyes, flaming. 

“Ever since Gr-” Polly began, but before she could finish Thomas brought his fist down on the solid wood desk. The crystal glasses and decanter sitting near the corner rattled.

“Don’t you speak that fuckin’ name in this fuckin’ house.” Polly stared at the man and he stared right back. Annie wasn’t sure what was happening, but she was sure that she wanted the subject to change.

“I’m good with children.” Annie spoke up, her voice coming out steadier than she thought it would. “I have a lot of experience. Between my brothers and sister I am always surrounded by children. I have nine nephews and nieces in total. Five boys and four girls…” There was silence for three seconds. “And Mary? That’s my sister. She’s pregnant with another.” 

“Are you always this chatty Miss. Lewis, or do I make you that nervous?” Thomas questioned and Annie’s cheeks warmed. “What’s a woman like you searching for work all the way out here for? In the middle of nowhere?” The question was fair, Annie thought. Why would someone want this job? Away from her family and her friends? Away from her nightmares?

“I can do the job. I can watch after your boy.” This time her words were said with confidence, avoiding the question he asked. His unnerving eyes roamed her face for a moment. “I will not pretend that I know how to shoot a gun, though.” 

“Perfect!” Polly exclaimed, standing up. “Told ya’ you had nothing to worry about, girl.” Ignoring her words, Annie looked at Thomas for confirmation. Their eyes were locked on each other. All that could be heard was the grandfather clock. 

“Your room will be right next to Charlie’s.”

__

He was standing in the foyer, son in his arms, listening to the babbling of the child. They were waiting on Annie Lewis to arrive. Today was her first day at Arrow House. Charlie had yet to meet her and Tommy did not know what to think of her. She seemed harmless, but there was pain in her dark eyes. Polly seemed to trust her though. His Aunt, he was told, found the girl one day, running around with those nephews and nieces of hers in a little town between Arrow House and Small Heath. Between his new life and his old life. The chiming of the grandfather clock down the hall in his office alerted him to the time. Tommy tightened his grip on Charlie and walked out the front door. 

Right on time and before his eyes Miss Annie Lewis climbed out of the car he sent to fetch her. The dark headed man watched as she thanked the driver when he handed her two medium sized suitcases. She looked at him, eyes squinting against the bright overcast sky. 

“Hello, Mr. Shelby.” He liked the slight Scottish lilt to her voice. It was barely there, but noticeable enough to make him wonder. Tommy needed to know more about her.

“Miss. Lewis.” He nodded. Her brown eyes drifted to the boy in his arms and smile lit up her whole face. “Charlie, say hello.” Shyly, the boy looked at this new stranger in front of him. Tommy could sense the boys hesitation.

“Hi there, Charlie.” Annie spoke to the boy warmly. Thomas watched her put down her suitcases. “I’m Annie and it is a pleasure to meet such a handsome little boy!” She lifted a hand and stroked Charlie’s cheek. His son giggled at the touch and then, catching him off guard as well as Annie, launched himself at her. Annie caught the boy without issue, a small gasp escaping her lips. 

“Charlie…” Thomas chided. The little boy looked at his father a smile on his face, small fingers winding themselves into the woman’s curly locks. She winced as he tugged.

“Oh, he’s okay, Mr. Shelby! He’s just doing what little boys do. Isn’t that right, Charlie?” She bounced him slightly and he giggled once more. This caused her to laugh.

Maybe, Tommy thought, this woman wasn’t so bad. Granted, he hadn’t seen her interact with his son for more than five minutes, but Charlie had taken to her easily. His gut hurt, though. The brief moment between his son and this new woman reminded him of the moments when Grace would hold Charlie, both giggling away at a private conversation Tommy was not privy to.

“Miss. Lewis, if you would like, Mary can take your things up to your room while I show you around the house.” He looked over his shoulder as the older woman who followed him out of the house moments ago, began walking towards them.

“Oh, no! I can take them up there myself. It’s not a problem!” He knew the girl heard his demanding tone, yet she chose to ignore it. He bristled.

“I wouldn’t tell Mr. Shelby no.” He heard Mary whisper to Annie as she picked up the younger girls bags. He noticed how she stood up straighter, her posture changing with this whispered words. Tommy was pleased with her reaction. She should be wary. Be afraid. Everyone should. Annie nodded her head and began to walk towards him.

“Now, tell me Miss Lewis, what’s a Scottish girl like you doing on the outskirts of Birmingham?” Playing the role of a gentleman, he opened the door and allowed her to walk in before him. He noticed that Charlie’s hands were now out of her hair and instead playing with a gold chain that was around the woman's neck.

“Family.” Was her short response. He could tell this was not a subject she was comfortable talking about. He hummed, thoughtfully.

“What an avoidant answer.” Was his response. 

“Mr. Shelby,” Annie began, turning around, eyes narrowed. “If I asked you about your demons right now would you be forthcoming about them?” He tipped his head in a single nod after he let her words wash over him.

“Now, Charlie’s room is right up the stairs.” Tommy held his hand up, indicating that she could walk ahead of him. He noticed her gaze lingering on the portrait hanging on the wall above the stairs. She began to climb, but stopped when Charlie reached out towards the painting.

“Mummy!” He cried out. Thomas felt his heart ache. He wanted to scream. He wanted to rip off his shirt. To tear out his heart. To put a bullet through some Italian’s brain. He wanted a cigarette. It’d been months, but the pain was worse than the days after he lost his lovely Grace.

“That’s your Mummy?” Annie asked. Her hand smoothed down the boys hair. “She’s very pretty, Charlie. I’m sure she’s an angel now. An angel watching over you...Over both of you.” Her brown eyes left Grace’s face and instantly locked with his. She smiled softly. She was smart, Tommy decided. She figured that demon out “Now, Charlie, let’s go see that room of yours!” Tommy released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

“Yes, Charlie. Let’s show Miss. Lewis your room.”


	2. Down the Paths We Used to Roam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shelby boys love their horses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to Google Translate for help with this chapter. Fingers crossed it actually helped! Hope you all enjoy. Let me know what you think. I love feedback!

“Come along now, eun beag!” Annie said with a small smile on her face. Charlie Shelby was trailing behind her. They were walking around the garden, headed towards the stable. She turned and watched him waddle towards her on clumsy toddler feet. 

“Horse!” The little boy excitedly giggled. Annie’s smile grew. Horse was his new word of choice at that current moment. That was all that he wanted to talk about. 

“Yes, Charlie. Horse! We’re going to see the horses.” Charlie started to run to her, but slipped on the loose rocks under his feet. At first, Charlie looked up at Annie. His eyes were wide and clear and so, so blue. So, so beautiful. Just like his father’s, Annie mused. The thought startled her, but Charlie’s cries needed her attention more. “Oh, no. Charlie, you’re alright.” She took a few steps forward and gathered the little boy into her arms. 

“Mummy…” He wailed. Annie felt a soft pang in her chest for the small boy she was holding. He did not call for his mother all the time. In fact, in the month or so that she’d been there he tended to call for Grace at night. Like his eyes, that was something else he had in common with his father.

Just like Charlie’s cries for his mother, Thomas’s cries for Grace were not all the time. In fact it was so rare that it would give Annie a fright when it did occur. The first time it happened she was unable to sleep, walking the halls of Arrow House. There was an ache in her heart as shadows tried to grip her mind. She was fiddling with the small ring on the end of the gold chain around her neck she heard him calling. Calling out for his Grace. The pain in his voice was similar to the ache she was feeling. Pain caused by loss. By darkness.

“It’s okay...Shhh...Eun beag, you’re fine!” Annie shushed as she bounced him up and down.

“What the hell are you calling my son?” Came Thomas Shelby’s voice from behind her. She was beginning to understand that this Shelby man would come and go when he pleased. 

“Little Bird…” Looking over at the boy’s father she smiled. It was a fond, painful smile. “It’s what my mother used to call me and her mother before that.” Thomas took a drag of the cigarette in his hand, puffed out the smoke he inhaled, and dropped it to the ground. The rocks crunched under his toes as he stamped out the burning cylinder. “Would you like to go visit the horses with us Mr. Shelby? Charlie has been talking about them all day.” She teased.

“That’s all he talks about.” His tone was dry, but she could see his dimples trying to peek out. There was a slight smile on his lips. “Well, let’s go see those horses, aye?” They walked the rest of the way to the stable in silence. The only sound came from Charlie as he sniffled his tears away.

Thomas led them straight to a dark brown horse at the back of the stable. Annie had seen him riding this horse some mornings, the fog and birds the only things keeping them company. The man reached out and ran a gloved hand over the side of the horses neck.

“Horse!” Charlie yelled, reaching out to grab the animal. Thomas plucked him from Annie’s grip and pulled him closer to the horse. The little boy violently ran his hands over the silky brown hair.

“Shhh, my boy. You don’t want to spook him, aye?” Annie was perplexed by this duo. Thomas, whose voice was always so demanding, was softer when he was with his boy. She cocked her head, watching with interest and he helped Charlie softly pet the horse. “There you go. Soft and gentle.”

__

As they walked back to the house Tommy wished his thoughts were focused on the child beside him and the woman who was holding him. Caring for him. But, in truth, his thoughts were on the Russian duchess he left in his office. It was the only thing he could focus on to keep his mind off the memory of Grace and Charlie playing outside and visiting the horses in the stable months prior. Being out with just Annie and his son brought those memories to the surface. 

“Miss. Lewis,” He began. She looked over, questioning him with her eyes that were so dark and so round. “I’m giving you tonight and the next day off.” Her brown brows knitted together in confusion. Charlie was playing with her necklace as he normally did. His son had a fascination with that piece of jewelry she always wore. 

“How come?”

“Arthur and Linda…” He cleared his throat. “As you know, Linda is pregnant and they thought it would be good practice to have little Charles over the night at least.” 

“Well, that is kind of them.” Her answer was polite. 

“Very.” Thomas replied. “I’ll have a driver take you and Charlie over to Linda’s to drop him off and afterwards he will take you to your family’s.”

“Take me?” Annie’s voice rose with her question. “But my things are here.” Tommy impatiently sighed.

“Not if you pack them, they aren’t. Just for a night Miss. Lewis.” He needed her to leave. She was going to leave. No one needed to know about this, especially his son and the woman who watched him. The idea of Annie, who was all smiles and laughter and nervous rambling, knowing what he was planning for the night left a pit in his gut. He couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t want to see her family. It had been well over a month since she started watching after little Charlie. “You can see that sister you talked about.. And all those nieces and nephews you mentioned.” Annie was easing into the idea of it. Tommy could see it in her eyes as they walked through the door and towards the stairs. “I’m sure you miss the liveliness they bring to your life. Just having one child to look after and care for is probably a little dull compared to them.”

“Oh, I don’t know. Your family is pretty lively.” A cheeky grin replaced the confused look Annie had been wearing since he brought up the idea of leaving up . “Thank you for the night off.” Her words sounded completely genuine, he only wished that his were as genuine as hers.

“Oh! Hello there.” An accented voice interrupted their walk. Tatiana Petrovna sauntered over towards them. Her crazy eyes roamed over Annie and his son. It reminded Tommy of a wild animal sizing up their prey. He clenched his fist. “Who is this lovely child?” The duchess moved closer, hand reaching out towards his boy. With quick reflexes he grabbed her by the wrist. Tatiana smirked.

“Miss Lewis, please go pack yours and Charlie’s bags.” Annie’s eyes were narrowed, looking down her nose at his hand on Tatiana’s wrist. The nanny didn’t move. “Annie.” Her eyes snapped up to his. “Get to packing.” With a nod of her head she quickly moved around them and briskly walked to the stairs. He let go of the Russian’s wrist.


	3. I'm Dying to Be Born Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Annie begins to realize a few things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story seems to be pouring out of me and I'm little shocked. It's not normally like this for me. Oh! And in case you were wondering the chapter titles are currently coming from the song 'Broken Parable' by Bear's Den. The first time I listened to it I couldn't help but think of Tommy Shelby. I hope you enjoy the story. I certainly am enjoying writing it. As always, please let me know what you think!

Annie was truly thankful that she’d been given a little time off. She went to stay with her sister’s family. Thomas was right. It was a lot livelier being surrounded by nephews and her niece than her days that she spent with Charlie in the large and empty house that stood all alone.

“You seem happy.” Her sister, who was running a hand over her pregnant belly, commented. They were sitting at the kitchen table catching up on things that Annie had missed in the lives of the little people in the house. James was now speaking in sentences. Eleanor was enjoying school. Robert was terrorizing some children who lived down the street. “I haven’t seen you this happy in a long time.”

“I think I am happy, Cora.” Annie took a sip of her tea. There was something about Arrow House that lifted her spirits. Perhaps it was the fresh air and wide pastures. Perhaps it was the little boy who loved the ring that hung around her neck almost as much as she did. 

“Elliot would want you to be happy.” Just because she was happy, didn’t mean that she couldn’t feel pain and oh, did that name cause her pain. There was a longing in her hear when she thought about him. Her husband. Her late husband. It had been over a year since she’d heard his laugh. Seen his smile. Felt his touch. Oh, how she missed him. In that moment though, she wasn’t thinking just of Elliot, but of the late Grace Shelby too. Perhaps that was why she was happy. Not because of the air or the fields or even Charlie but because she was not alone. Because Thomas Shelby also lost his great love. Because there was someone else who also knew the terrible pain that waited in the shadows of the night.

Her thoughts did not dwell on Elliot or Grace much longer though. A loud, frantic knock came from the front door of her sisters home. Cora excused herself to answer it. She was only gone for a few moments and when she returned there was a concerned look on her face.

“For you.” Was all she said. Annie got up from the table and walked towards the entryway of the house. There, in the doorway was Michael Gray looking so very grave.

“What’s wrong? Tell me it’s not Char-”

“It’s Tommy.” Shockingly, hearing those two words hurt. “It’s bad. Real bad. You need to come back to Arrow House right now. Charlie needs you.” Without another word, Annie all but flew down the hall to collect her things and to kiss her sister goodbye.

Michael didn’t say a single word to Annie on the ride to the place she was beginning to see as her home. She asked. She asked several times and in several different ways, but the boy would not answer. Once the car was parked, she opened the door and quickly got out. Michael did not follow her and instead drove off the moment she walked through the door. From what she could see the house seemed empty, but she knew where should could find Charlie. 

He was in his room, playing with a small toy horse. Mary was standing by the window watching over him. 

“I’m here now.” 

“Nee!” Charlie exclaimed when he looked up at the sound of her voice. The name that Charlie had given her brought a smile to her face. A few weeks prior he’d begun calling her that because he, for some reason, could not say Annie. “Up, Nee! Up!” Annie got on her knees beside him and pulled him to her. “Look!” He held his toy horse right in front of her face.

“Oh my, Eun Beag!” She gasped to show excitement. “Is that a horse?” Plucking the horse from his hand, she gently touched the toy to the boys nose while neighing to the best of her ability. He laughed and the noise calmed her slightly.

Later that night while she was up, walking the halls unable to sleep, Charlie began to cry. It was odd, she thought. Charlie was usually good about sleeping through the night. His cries were like magnetic power though and they drew her to him. He was standing up, arms reaching out. 

“Daddy!” He sniffled. Just as his crying, this was also odd. Charlie crying out for Grace was normal. Charlie crying out for his father rarely happened. In fact, it really only happened when he spotted the brooding Shelby man. “Daddy!” He must have known that something was not right, that, somewhere, his father was in agony. 

__

“Daddy!” He heard, although it sounded like he was hearing it from dee in the ocean. “Daddy!”

“Shhh, Charlie. Not so loud.” That voice did not belong to his son. Tommy, with great effort, opened his eyes. Although his vision was blurry and it was dark, Tommy could tell that at the foot of his bed was his son being held by his nanny. The moonlight cast a silver glow on her skin. “I’m sorry Mr. Shelby.” Annie was in his bedroom. Another woman was in his bedroom. The room he once shared with Grace. He closed his eyes.

“Get out.” He hoped the tone of his voice conveyed how much he wanted her gone.

“I only came in bec-”

“Get the fuck out.” This time he was harsher. Surely, if she was smart of enough she would go, but she didn’t. “I did not take you for a brainless whore Miss. Lewis.”

“Pardon?” Annie’s voice was icy and quiet. That shocked him. Tommy did not think that the kind, little nanny had it in her. He opened his eyes again and saw the anger on her face.

“You come to my bedroom in the middle of the night. I tell you to leave, yet you stay”

“I’m here to bring you your son!” She snapped, voice raised with these words. “He was calling for you. In fact, he’s been calling for you almost every night since you landed yourself in the hospital.” She moved from the end of the bed to the side that he was sleeping on. “Now, be a decent father and take your son for the night. I hope these words leaving your mouth are because of the medicine you’re taking or the brain damage you received and not because you’re a cruel man.” The woman placed his son on the other side of him and headed towards the door.

“Miss Lewis…” She stopped. “I’m sorry,” She turned, mouth opening to speak, forgiveness written on her face. “But I am a cruel man.” It was the truth and he did not think he could hide that from her much longer. The sooner she realized that the better. Annie closed her eyes for a moment and her shoulders sunk, an invisible weight appearing on them. Without another word, she opened the door and left, slamming it behind her.

Tommy turned on his side and grabbed the small silver spoon and the medicine that was sitting on him night stand. He was aching; body, mind, and soul. When he was done he shifted towards his son, placing a large hand on the boys head, then shifted it down over the boys back. For a moment he sat in silence feeling his son’s body move.

“One day you are going to find that out too Charlie.” His son looked at him with sleep eyes. “You’re going to find out that I am a cruel man, but you are also going to find out that you must be a cruel man to live in a cruel world.”


	4. Awake in the Evening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Charlie sleep things begin to unfold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are starting to happen! I cannot tell you how many times I've watched the latter half of season 3 in preparation for these next few chapters. Hope you enjoy this chapter and have enjoyed the story overall. As always, feedback is something I crave!

Charlie rested a closed fist on Annie’s chest. He’d been playing with the chain around her neck as she stood in front of the window in his room, swaying back and forth. He was asleep now, but Annie couldn’t put him down. She was enjoying the weight in her arms and counting his small puffs of breath kept her mind occupied. It kept her mind off of the child’s father. Days had passed since the night she brought Charlie to Thomas Shelby’s room. Since she had been insulted, angered, and disappointed. Those feelings no longer weighed heavy upon her and as she stood swaying and watching the moon all she felt was pity for the man. 

“Is that some sort of Scottish lullaby you’re humming?” It was as if her thoughts summoned him. His voice was low and quiet in the dark. Annie didn’t turn around and instead chose to ignore him. Hopefully he would go away. “I asked you a question.” Her thoughts drifted back to the night she last talked to him. I am a cruel man.

“I heard you, Mr. Shelby.” She responded with a whisper. There was silence and then she heard his heavy steps against the floor. He came to stand next to her. She was now close enough to him that she could feel the heat radiating off of the man. “I just wasn’t sure if a brainless whore was worthy enough to talk to the great Thomas Shelby.”

“I never said I was great.”

“No. You didn’t.” 

“Would you like an apology?” Thomas placed his hands in his trouser pockets. Both were still looking at the moon. “A raise, maybe?”

“I would like you to answer this...Why are you this way Mr. Shelby?” Annie turned her gaze from the window and fixed it on the man who she knew could be dangerous.

“I told you, Annie. I am a cru-”

“I don’t believe you are only that though.” Yes, Thomas Shelby could be cruel.She was no fool. Annie knew who Thomas Shelby was. She knew before she even met him how he and his Peaky Blinders ruled Birmingham with their raised fists.He was their fearless leader that stood with a straight spine and bloody knuckles. He had razor blades sewn into his cap and hatred sewn into his soul. Yes, he could be cruel. Thomas Shelby could also be a loving man though. She’d seen his love for his son as they played in the garden and when he cuddled Charlie at night. She’d seen how he would do cruel things to protect his family, his brothers. She’d heard his cries for his late wife at night. He was not just a cruel man.

“Then maybe you are brainless Mrs. Lewis.” This time his words did not sting, but instead shocked Annie. “You’ve been keeping a secret.” 

“I’m not quite sure being a widow counts as a secret, Mr. Shelby.” 

“Call me Tommy. Everyone does.” His voice was as smooth as silk. 

“How do you know about Elliot?” At that moment she was very aware of Charlie’s hand that was still gripping the ring that hung around her neck. 

“Did you think I wouldn’t look into the past of the woman who is watching my one and only son?” Her eyes fell. “I can’t say I was surprised. Dead spouses seem to be a common thing now and days. What I was surprised by was how much your Elliot Lewis and I have in common.” Annie gulped and tried to mentally prepare himself for his words. For the memories that would come rushing back. “He had a partnership with the Italian’s. Paid the price for it too, aye?” She closed her eyes and held her breath as memories came rushing back Yelling and glass breaking and blood and bruises and tears. 

“If you know these things, why am I still here?” 

“My boy likes you.” The sentiment made her smile against the pain her memories were causing.

“I like him, if that counts for anything.” The little boy she was holding had wormed his way into her heart. She truly cared for him. 

“It does,” Tommy’s response sounded honest in her ears. “I think it’s time you put him down.” He leaned close placing his hand on his son’s back, only a hair's width away from her own hand, and kissed the crown of Charlie’s head. “Goodnight Annie.”

__

The kitchen was was warm when he walked in. Tommy was making his way out to the stables, choosing to use the kitchen to walk out to the garden. He stopped when he spotted the dark headed nanny sitting at the table with a book in her hand. 

“Annie.” She looked up and closed her book.

“Hello Tommy.” 

“Where is Charlie?” He asked, letting his eyes roam the room around him. His son was not in sight.

“Napping. It is after lunch.” She motioned to the kettle and a few teacups in front of her. “Would you like to join me for tea?” He hesitated, but decided to pull up a chair next to her. Quietly, he watched her grab a cup and pour the tea. They sat in silence for a moment. The only sound in the room were quiet sips and clinking china. His thoughts were focused on the Russian’s, Alfie Solomons, pricey jewels, and clay kickers.

“Tell me, Annie, have you ever seen a faberge egg?” Tommy asked, knowing the small highland woman most likely had not. 

“No. I do not believe I have.” Her voice was very polite and kind. It grated on his nerves for some reason. She seemed so good and so pure. Too pure to be associating with the Italians. Too pure to be associating with the Peaky Blinders “Have you?”

“I have.” A part of him wondered if he should be having this conversation with her, but he pressed on. It was nice to be able to talk with someone who knew absolutely nothing about his dealings with the Russians. To have a conversation with someone that could not judge him for getting involved in things much larger than he should or even could undertake. “It was a piece of art like no other.” 

“And tell me, what does a Birmingham gangster like you know about art?” He did not expect her teasing. She had a small, but brave smile on her face. It warmed Tommy from the inside out, as if he’d just swallowed a tumbler of whiskey. Something about her joking made him feel normal. Made him feel as though he wasn’t making deals with Russians or being beaten by un-holy fathers or grieving his dead wife.

“Nothing. Absolutely, fuckin’, nothing.” That made Annie laugh. At first it started off as a polite chuckle, but after a few seconds the woman could not stop giggling. It brought a smile to his face. “Doesn’t mean I don’t know beauty when I see it though.” Her laughing stopped and her cheeks turned pink. The talking stopped there as she took a large gulp of her tea and stood up from the table.

“I think I heard Charlie calling for me.” Tommy didn’t hear a thing.


	5. Not A Ripple In the Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is frantic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to post today, but I just finished season four and am currently four chapters ahead of this one. I have no self control. Happy reading! Let me know what you're thinking!

Her heart was in her throat. Her hands were clenched tightly in her lap. Annie was sitting in a chair surrounded by all the Shelby’s. Well, all the Shelby’s minus the one she wanted to be with the most. Charlie was gone. He’d been taken. 

The day started out perfectly fine. In fact, it was even nice. Tommy had invited her to go along with them to the opening of the Grace Shelby Institute for Orphaned Children to help with Charlie. She was more than willing to do so and for the first part of the morning Charlie spent his time split between her arms or his fathers. When Tommy was giving his speech Annie stepped into the hallway with Charlie. 

“Look at how beautiful she is, Eun Beag.” There was a large portrait of Grace that was surrounded by flowers. “You know, everyone says you look exactly like your father. Personally, I can see some of your mother in you too.”

“I agree” Annie was growing accustomed to Tommy showing up when you least expected him too. In the large room she could hear hymns being sung. “He has his mother's temperament.”

“I’m not sure about that, Tommy.” She stated with a smile and patted his shoulder softly. “You both have seemed extremely uncomfortable all morning.” Thomas opened his mouth to say something but stopped as another figure approached.

“Hello there.” It was a priest Annie was not familiar with. Tommy stood up straight and cleared his throat.

“Annie, I think you should join the family again.” His tone of voice told Annie she needed to follow his instructions and so, with a polite nod to the priest, she left the two men to talk. It was not long after she entered the large room that the ceremony finished and they all gathered for a small reception. Charlie was beginning to get a little fussy as Annie held him close..

“It’s getting close to nap time, isn’t it?” She cooed in the boy's ear. Annie bounced the boy up and down as she walked around the small room.

“Daddy…” He whimpered. With a sigh, Annie walked to Tommy, hoping that in his father's arms the little boy could find comfort and even fall asleep. Apologizing, she handed him off to Tommy and then joined Ada in a conversation. Moments later, Tommy approached them without his son in his hands asking for Charlie.

The next few moments felt as though they were in slow motion. Tommy worked his way around the room asking for his son. Each time he asked for Charlie his voice grew more panicked and when a woman told Annie and Ada that a nurse had taken him Annie grew to be just as terrified. At that point everyone ran in different directions, calling out for the boy hoping and praying to hear his cries. When she and Polly walked out on the grounds and saw Tommy wrapped in Arthur's arms Annie knew something was horribly wrong. 

All she remembered from the ride to the shop was her heart being gripped in fear and Tommy’s leg bouncing up and down in anxiousness. She couldn’t talk. She couldn't cry. She could barely move, but somehow she made it into the shop and into a chair. Now, Tommy was going around accusing his family of betraying him His finger landed on her. Her heart stopped beating.

“Annie? You have connections with the fuckin’ Italians!” It was as if her body began working again. She stood from her chair, gripping the table so tightly that if you looked at her knuckles all you would see was white.

“How dar-” But Tommy wouldn’t let her finish and continued rambling about tunnels and clay kickers and Michael and faberge eggs. Anne didn’t understand what any of it meant. She stood there, still as a statue, listening to his instructions to his siblings and his cruel words to his aunt and just as he started walking around she found her voice. “Thomas Shelby!” Quickly, she followed after him. “Thomas!” He stopped and turned around. His clear blue eyes were full of emotion. Anger. Hurt. Hatred. Sorrow. Guilt. “Who the hell do you think you are talking to everyone like that? They are your family!”

“I’m a desperate man trying to find his son!” She understood, in that moment, why people were fearful of this man. “I wouldn’t have to try to find him if you had done your job and kept ahold of him!” His words hit her like a thousand bullets to the chest. This angry father had a point. “You lost my son.” Tommy turned on his heel and left. 

“No, no, no.” Annie’s eyes filled with tears. She ran her hands through her hair and took a deep breath then walked out the door and into the rain. As she stood in the rain, letting her tears mix with the water droplets fall from the sky. This couldn’t be happening. She was certain that if Charlie died, she would be unable to bear that pain again. 

__

Tommy was frantic as he walked towards the tent Johnny Dogs set up. Johnny was yelling, but Tommy didn’t care about what he was saying. 

“They’ve taken my boy, Johnny.” He breathed as he began to unbutton and strip his dress shirt away from his body. “Everything’s fucking changed.” Johnny continued to ask questions of Thomas he jumped in the hole, but Tommy had no interest in hearing or answering them.

His senses were immediately overwhelmed by all things earth. It filled his nose. It covered his body. It transported him back to a time from his nightmares. For a brief second it was all too much. He couldn’t breathe. He was no longer in England but, instead, France. He didn’t have a son or a dead wife or a large house in Warwickshire. But, Tommy did have those things. He did have a son, a son who had been taken from him, and he was going to do the only thing he could to get him back. He was going to dig and keep on digging


	6. Not a Whisper In the Wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie is returned to those who love him most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoy writing about these two! And about Charlie! Hope you all are having a lovely day or night and that you enjoy this chapter! Let me know what you think about the story so far. I'm always curious as to how you feel or what you think is going to happen or even what might happen!

Sleep did nothing to quell the feeling of despair that Annie was feeling. She woke up late in the evening the next day. It took a lot to fall asleep and when she finally did she slept on a couch in the office, not wanting to go anywhere until Charlie was safe and sound. Polly, when the older woman noticed she was awake, beckoned her over to the table and poured her a small glass of whiskey. Annie stared at it.

“Drink up.” Polly ordered.

“I don’t drink.” Annie replied. Polly rolled her eyes and took the glass for herself, throwing the drink back with ease. “He didn’t mean what he told you last night.” The nanny thought back on the hurtful words he’d said to everyone. Ada walked in from another room and sat down beside her.

“I know. I hope you’re telling yourself that as well.” 

“I would if his words were not true.” She sighed. Her heart ached. “I am the reason he was taken. I should have been holding on to him. I should have been at Tommy’s side when Charlie was beginning to fuss. It should have been he passed his son off too, not some random nurse. For Christ’s sake, that’s my job!”

“He really told you it was your fault?” Ada gasped. “My brother is a prick. Annie, don’t listen to a word he said. The only person to blame is the man who took Charlie.” The Shelby girl sounded so certain.

“Ada…” Tears came to Annie’s eyes and her hands floated to her chest, hovering over the place she could feel her heart beating. “I just can’t do this again!” Annie had come to love Charlie like he was her own. The thought of his gone or even worse was too much to bear.

“Do what again?” Polly asked of Annie. The young, dark headed woman opened her mouth, but no sound came out. Just as she moved her hands from her chest towards her abdomen the door open and there was a toddlers cry. 

“Charlie.” Annie breathed out and bolted towards the noise. She snatched the little boy out of Michael Gray’s arms, not even noticing the blood on his face. He was crying as she, Ada, and Polly covered him in light kisses. “Oh, Eun Beag! I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Ada had one hand rubbing Charlie’s back and the other squeezing Annie’s shoulder comfortingly. “Ada, we need to get him home.” The little boy needed to be back in his own home. He needed to be far away from billowing smoke and narrow streets and men who take toddlers away from their fathers. He needed to be back with all his toy soldiers and the horses and surrounded by love.

Ada heard Annie’s request and just like her trip in the car to the shop, she could not remember much about the trip away from the shop. The only thing she was aware of on the long ride home was Charlie’s babbling as he played with her ring. Mary fawned over the child when they walked through the door. As Annie was headed towards the stairs to give Charlie a bath and then to bed she could hear the phone ring from down the hall. She, Mary, and Ada froze. They all knew who it was. Ada ran to Tommy’s office and Annie followed, not far behind.

“He’s safe.” Ada spoke when Annie approached her. “Here. He wants to speak to Charlie.” Annie held the ear phone up to Charlie’s little ear as Ada held the transmitter near his mouth.

“Speak, Charlie. Say hi to Daddy.” Charlie babbled at Annie’s instructions. She could hear Tommy’s voice on the other end, though she could not make out what he was saying. “Tell him you’re about to get a bath and then head to bed!” Even though she was happy and trying to keep Charlie’s attention with an excited voice, there was no mistaking the weariness there.

After a few moments of no longer hearing Tommy’s voice and Charlie letting out a rather large yawn, Annie thought it best to head upstairs. She told Ada to let her know if anything happened and then left her standing there to collect her thoughts. It did not take long to get Charlie bathed. By the time she finished that and started dressing him the boy was beginning to nod off. He’d had a few long days and it was well past his bedtime. 

Instead of taking Charlie to his bedroom, Annie took him to hers. She placed the little boy on her bed and then changed into her sleeping gown. There was no possible way she was going to let that little boy out of her sight. Even the mere thought of it made her anxious. Carefully, she slipped into her bed and watched the boy breathe. The moonlight streaming in through the window made his skin look like porcelain. She stared at him until morning light came and the birds began to sing their work songs. 

__

Tommy had a cigarette in his hand as he drove. It was his fourth since leaving the phone booth late the night before. His foot was pressed down on a pedal, willing the automobile to go as fast as it possibly could. He needed to get home to his son. He needed to hold him close and never let him go. 

The morning was foggy and matched his somber mood. He was tired both in body and in spirit. Charlie was safe and while that was something to celebrate, he could not let his mind go there. He was still reeling from spending so much time traveling a claustrophobic tunnel in the earth. Reeling from the extreme fear and panic of thinking he’d lost his son for ever. Reeling from the horrible words he’d told those closest to him. There was a feeling of anxiousness that came back as he sped down his own driveway.

“Where is he?” Tommy asked his sister as he stood in the doorway. She told him he was upstairs and he started running, taking the steps two at a time. He couldn’t get to Charlie fast enough. 

Just as his sister said, Tommy found his son upstairs in his room. He was playing with Annie, who looked up at him in surprise when he entered the room plucking his son up from the ground.

“My boy!” A small sob escaped him. He clutched him close, placing a kiss on the boys cheek, then placing an ear on the boys chest. The sound of Charlie’s heartbeat calmed his anxious thoughts. When Charlie squirmed Tommy opened his eyes and found Annie staring at him. She looked like what he imagined himself to look like. Like a corpse. The words he had spoken to her came back to him. 

“I’m sorry.” He hardly ever said those two words to people and rarely meant them. This time he meant them though. The woman sitting in front of him needed to hear that. Something in her body language changed and she leaned forward, placing a hand on his wrist. The nanny gave it a squeeze.

“He’s safe now. He’s okay now. You’re okay now.” For a brief second those words soothed him like a balm would soothe a wound, but only for a second. Things were far from over. “He’s been asking for you all morning.”

“You’ve been asking for me, aye, Charles?” The father lifted his son into the air causing the boy to giggle. “Well, I’m here now. I’m here.”


	7. But My Colts They Have All Gone Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy asks Annie for a favor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me! I know that it’s been awhile, work got a tad bit crazy for a minute! Hope you all are doing well and enjoy this chapter. Let me know what you think of it!

Days later Annie and Charles sat in the kitchen during breakfast. Annie was reading a book of silly poems to Charlie as he took breaks between eating his eggs and babbling about his toy horse. The world finally felt normal. Annie almost felt at peace. Even though Charlie had not been gone for very long, it felt like an eternity to the adults in his life. Annie, in a way, was envious of the boy. He would grow old and forget what happened. She would grow old and carry those memories as burdens. The burdens she carried were growing. She feared for the day they all became too heavy. 

While in the middle of a poem about a cat in the garden Thomas walked in and sat down in the chair beside his son. “Good morning, everyone.” There was a false cheerfulness to his voice, Annie noticed. 

“Morning.” Tommy reached in his pocket, took out his cigarette case and a lighter.

“Would you like one, Annie?” He held the open case towards her, but she shook her head. The man shrugged and lit the stick before placing it in his mouth. Annie went on reading as Tommy smoked. He would occasionally encourage Charlie to listen, but for the most part remained quiet. 

It was so domestic and she liked it. Liked the feeling of morning breakfasts and a child sitting between her and Thomas Shelby and that thought alone almost stole all the breath from her lungs. At one point Charlie climbed into her lap and Tommy moved to the chair that had been abandoned by his son. A lazy smile sat upon his face as he kept smoking. Annie tried to convince herself that he didn’t know what he was doing, but in the last month or so she’d come to find that the leader of the Peaky Blinders always had a purpose behind his actions. He never did anything without thought to it. When his cigarette was a small butt he leaned forward and stubbed it out on a small saucer in front of him. He stayed hunched toward the table and let out a heavy sigh. She noticed his smile was no longer on his face.

“Something is wrong.” Was all she said as she closed her book. 

“Yes.” He replied, voice flat. “I’ve called a family meeting. Annie, I need a favor from you.” The king of Birmingham was asking her for a favor. Something was more than wrong. 

“I’m listening.”

“When we finish here I need you to go upstairs and play with Charlie. I need you to stay there until I come and get you.” He seemed nervous and Annie didn’t know what to do with a nervous Tommy. “No matter what you hear or even might see, I need you to stay with my son. In his room. Away from what is going to happen.”

“Will you tell me what’s going to happen?” Did she really want to know? Did she want to get involved in the business of the Shelbys? Of the Peaky Blinders? 

“I will tell you whatever you want to know when I come to find you and Charles.” He looked at her, his eyes reminding her of ice in midwinter. “You have my word.” His right hand laid on the table and she covered it with her own, squeezing it in understanding of the favor he asked of her. They stayed like that, staring at each other, listening to Charlie as he played with his toy, until the door opened.

“Mr. Shelby,” It was Mary. “Your family has started to arrive.” Tommy inhaled sharply as he stood.

“Remember, Annie. You stay put, no matter what you hear.” He left the kitchen. Mary stared at her, the obvious question on her face. 

“Mary, would you please bring some tea up to Charlie’s room please?” Without waiting for a response Annie placed Charlie on her hip, grabbed her book, and left.

She did as Tommy asked. She stayed in Charlie’s room when she heard banging on doors down stairs. She stayed when she heard police whistles. She even stayed when she heard screaming from down below. John. Arthur. Linda. Tommy, however, did not ask her not to watch. So, while Charlie played, not really caring about the ruckus beneath their feet, Annie walked to the window. What she saw shocked her. Arthur, John, Polly, and Michael were being put into automobiles with their hands cuffed. Esme and Linda were struggling as police held their arms. What the hell was happening to this family?

___

Tommy stood outside, looking down his driveway thinking about the next time he would see his family. There was a chill in the air as the wind whipped around him. Turning to go back into the house he spotted a figure standing in the upstairs window. It was Annie and he could read the pity, hurt, and confusion on her face. 

“What the fuck did ya’ do Tommy?!” Ada screamed. “Why the hell would you do that?!” Tommy didn’t care to hear his sister yelling at him, so he pushed past her and made his way up the stairs to Charlie’s room. He opened the door and stepped inside.

“Grab your coats.” 

“You betrayed them.” The woman said simply. Once, he called her brainless. She was not brainless. She was quick. She was smart. 

“I betrayed them. Grab your coats” He said again. Annie didn’t move. “I gave you my word. I’ll explain everything, but first get your coat. I’ll help Charlie into his. We’re going for a walk. I need the fresh air.”

They didn’t walk very far. Just to the stable. Once they arrived there Tommy and Annie sat on a crate next to the open doors. Charlie was running around in front of them, chasing after a small bunny he’d seen. The smell of hay and the outdoors were a comfort to him. A smell engraved in his mind from a long time ago. He took a cigarette out and placed it between his lips.

“You betrayed them.” She said again, her eyes locked on his hand as his lit the cigarette.

“I did.” And he told her why. He told her about everything. About the Russians. About Father Hughes. About getting in completely over his head. She sat there quietly, listening to his long story. “Arthur warned me. Told me I had no business getting involved with them. I chose not to listen and now my family is paying the price.” 

“You have a plan to save them though.” It was not a question. Annie’s voice was certain as she said that, like she didn’t have a doubt in the world that he would make things alright again.

“I do.” He took a drag and slowly puffed out the smoke he inhaled. “It’s going to take some time, but they’ll be okay.”


	8. And All That I Could Not Contain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The year comes to a close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you are well! Please enjoy this chapter! Let me know your thoughts.

“They’re out.” Tommy said, walking into the sitting room. Annie looked up from her spot by the Christmas tree that was brought in late yesterday evening. “Pol’ ‘n Michael, my brothers.” Annie sat up straight.

“Oh, Tommy!” She exclaimed. “That’s wonderful! You should invite them for Christmas.” Over the past few weeks a friendship had formed between the two of them. Annie was wary though. Tommy Shelby was the type of man who, as consistent as he was in character, could easily change his mind whenever he pleased.

“No.” 

“No?” She questioned. “But I’m sure Charlie would love to see-”

“Do not speak as though you know my son, Annie.” Yes, here was the Tommy Shelby she knew. His mind changed. With a stiff spine, she stood up and walked towards the bookshelves that took up an entire wall, running her fingers over them. 

“I certainly know him more than you Tommy.” Hoping her words would cut into him, she kept speaking. “Everyone thinks you’re this great father. That because you hold your son in public and play with him in garden and read him bedtime stories you are the greatest father to ever live.” 

“They don’t want to see me.” He spoke, interrupting her before she could continue berating him. She could tell her comments did nothing to him.

“Don’t speak to me like that again or they won’t be the only ones who don’t want to see you.” She was being harsh, this much she knew, but she was desperate for him to see her point. “How do you know they don’t want to see you, Tom?” Tom? It slipped out of her mouth before she could stop it. Never before had she heard anyone call him Tom. She watched him out of the corner of her eye to see if he reacted to the name.

“Ada.” His sister, who had yet to go back to Boston. “She just rang. Said that they didn’t want anything to do with me.” The air was thick with tension that Ada’s words caused. “Also said I shouldn’t be expecting her for Christmas dinner.” 

“They’ll come around Tommy.” She faced him now, placing a hand on his shoulder. His shoulders were tense. “You all are Shelby’s. No one can tear the Shelby’s apart.”

“Except a Shelby. A Shelby could” His voice was flat and grim. It grew quiet in the room. They stood there, her hand on his shoulder. “Charlie asked for Grace today.” One hit after another, for Tommy. 

“My guess is that because it’s his first Christmas without her.” Annie gathered and pursed her lips, debating if she wanted to continue with what she was about to say. “Yours too.” Tommy laughed, but it was hollow.

“I’ve had Christmases without Grace before, granted this one will be the first without Grace Shelby.” 

She remembered her first holiday without Elliot. She remembered her first everything without him. It was a dark time. Her family thought they were being helpful by inviting her to all the things. Parties leading up to the day, Christmas dinner, and even parties leading up to the new year. It wasn’t helpful though. Annie sat through most of them with tears in her eyes. She didn’t want to be with them. It was all too much. She wanted to be alone Maybe it was for the best that Tommy and Charlie wouldn’t spend the day around reminders of what they both lost. 

“Now, if you excuse me. I have some papers I need to go burn.”

__

There was a picture of Grace sitting on his desk. One that she had taken while in America. She’d given it to him because she liked it and thought he might too. Tommy did like it, except for at this moment. At this moment he hated it. Grace was just a ghost, sitting on his desk, watching everything he was doing. Every success, every failure; she was watching. He stared at her as she watched him from her small, oval shaped frame. There was a knock on his door and he looked up.

“Come in.” He commanded, putting his empty whiskey glass in front of him. Annie, he should have expected it to be the pretty nanny, walked in. She smiled at him. “Yes?”

“I wanted to wish you a happy New Year, Tommy.” She took a seat on the corner of his desk. Right next to the picture of his dear, dead Grace. 

“It’s not the new year, yet, Annie.” Two days stood between them and the month of January. 

“I know that.” If he wasn’t looking at her, he would still know that she was smiling. You could hear it in her voice. He closed his eyes. “But, you’ll be in London that day, celebrating becoming Thomas Shelby, OBE.” Now he could hear the frown. She knew why he was going to be awarded.

“I don’t have it yet.” It was a condition he made for burning the letter he had with the King’s signature. The woman sitting in front of him on his desk, the one who was breathing and not sitting in a frame, knew that he asked for that alongside letting his family go. 

“Will it make up for not having your family around?” The woman knew how to throw a verbal punch. 

“Annie, can I ask you a question?” 

“You haven’t ever asked for my permission Tommy. Why start now?” Annie, ever since he came home from the hospital all those months ago, had become more than the rambling woman he met many moons and suns ago. He liked it.

“Does it ever get easier?” He grabbed the crystal decanter that was sitting next to Grace and Annie and poured more whiskey into the glass. 

“Does what get easier?”

“Missing him. Missing Elliot.” All it took was a pained look to come across his face for him to have his answer. He watched her as she carefully picked up the frame she was sitting by. Those dark eyes of hers roamed the photograph and then met his own eyes.

“Yes.” Was her answer. “No.” She followed up. “Sometimes it’s yes. Sometimes it’s no.” Is how she clarified her answers. “My point is, is that it will never be easier, but sometimes...Well, sometimes it gets better.” 

“I don’t want sometime. I fuckin’ want right now.” The picture of Grace was put back in its spot. “I’m a haunted man.”

“We are all haunted in some way, Tom.”


	9. Though the Seasons May Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy gets a peek of what Annie keeps hidden behind her walls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to get through the chapters that take place during S4 so I can watch the new season...Trying being the key word! Work has been a little crazy lately and my laptop charger is completely dead. Bear with me through slow updates. I hope you enjoy the chapter!

She’d never noticed before, but in the afternoon sunlight Tommy’s dark, dark hair had a bit of red in it. It was late in the springtime and they were sitting out in the garden, on a blanket. Charlie was sleeping between them. Thomas was home for the weekend. 

“I saw Michael today.” His voice was deep and warm. It sounded like he was close to falling asleep. The news of Michael was one she was not expecting to hear.“He wants back in.”

“Back in what?” She asked. “Back in the business?” That surprised her.

“You sound so shocked.” He said, opening his eyes to look at her. Annie felt pinned to the spot she was sitting in.

“And you’re not?” 

“No.” Was his response. “Michael Gray has more Shelby in him than he would like to admit. More Shelby in him than his mother would probably like, too.” Tommy sat up. “He asked to kill Hughes.” The statement was said in such a way that Annie knew not to question him about it. If she kept digging, chances are she would not like what she found.

“What did you tell him?” This she was curious in. 

“I told him that he could come back if he wanted.” Tommy braced his forearms on his knees. “I owe him that much.” Michael saved Charlie from the hands of Father Hughes. 

“Has he said anything about the others?” She was approaching dangerous territory. Only once before did Annie try to bring up his family. He shut it down faster than the fastest racehorse in the country. Maybe with enough time and with Michael coming back into the picture he would be more welcoming to the idea of opening up, was Annie’s thought.

“No and I haven’t asked.” 

“But, Tommy! They’re your family.” The words she’d been holding in for months were about to come tumbling out of her mouth. “You can’t let this chasam grow. It’s not fair to anyone to let this keep on going.”

“Not everyone has a family like yours, Annie.” A scowl took over his chiseled face. “Not everyone has a family who would stop everything at the drop of the hat to help a sick nephew or write letters back and forth with updates about the children.” This was true.

“You’re right.” Annie began. “But, not everyone has family that would cause an explosion that took innocent people's lives to save their nephew and by doing that, saving their brother.” A pained look replaced his scowl. “You might not have a royally perfect family Tommy, but you have a family that has survived war and that has to mean something. You should reach out to them.” He scoffed, which in turn brought a scowl to Annie’s face this time.

“They could be the ones to restore things.” 

“If one of your brothers or cousins crossed you and put you in prison, set to hang, would you let them back in?” She was becoming frustrated with his stubbornness.

“Michael came back.”

“Because Michael is young and impressionable and wants so badly to be like you!” The woman huffed, standing up. “You may only speak to me when you stop acting like a child, Thomas Shelby.” Unable to continue the conversation, Annie turned and walked back towards the house.

“Annie!” Tommy called after her, but she ignored him.

Months ago she would not have been able to walk away from the leader of the Peaky Blinders. Anything he ordered she would have done, but she was learning. Learning from him. Learning what it looked like to stand up and fight for a cause you believed in. Her cause might not have been saving a child or getting money or serving justice, but she was learning.

__

The sun had just set when Tommy decided to go look for Annie. The young woman skipped dinner and missed bath and bedtime with Charlie. He understood Annie choosing not to be around him, but she never missed time with his son. He thought that it was in part due to the trauma of Charlie being taken right out from under their noses. 

First he checked her room, but after knocking a few times and finally letting himself into the space he found that she was not there. He checked the kitchen after that, thinking that perhaps she snuck down to grab a bite to eat. Like her room, she was not there either. The final placed he searched for her was in the sitting room. There he found her lying on one of the couches, asleep. There was a book placed page down on the end table near her head. 

Tommy stood for a moment, staring at her. It took a few seconds for it to set in, but her brows were drawn together and her eyes screwed shut. As he walked closer to investigate he heard a small whimper. The whimper turned into a small cry as he leaned down beside her.

“No…” Annie mumbled. “Please!” Her pleading filled him with pity. She must have been having a nightmare. The nanny had not mentioned much about her past, but if she had a history with the Italians he had an idea of what she might have endured. A small droplet fell down her cheek as he called out to her.

“Annie.” He tried. She did not wake. “Annie, wake up.” Tommy’s second attempt did not work. “Annie!” The woman began to cry more. “Ann!” He placed a hand on her shoulder and began to shake her. Her eyes flew open and a gasp escaped her lips. She stared at the ceiling above her for a few moments, her chest rising up and down. Saying nothing, he sat on the ground completely and waited. After a few moments Annie finally caught her breath and sat up. Tommy could tell by the look in her eyes that she was now back with him in Arrow House instead of that horrible place her mind was holding her.

“What time is it?” Taking out his pocket watch he looked at it and went back to watching her in concern. 

“Close to ten.” 

“Oh no…” The brunette ran a hand over her face, letting out a deep sigh. “I slept the whole evening away.” Her voice was flat.

“Are you alright?” Concern laced his words.

“I’m famished.” For the second time that day she stood up and left him to his thoughts. With a sigh that rivaled Annie’s he took a cigarette out from the case in his pocket and placed it between lips. His thoughts were consumed with the actions of his son’s nanny.


	10. I Felt a Shiver In My Rib Cage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie causes both Tommy and Annie a little heartache.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy reading! Let me know what you think!

“Aunt Ada is coming for Christmas, Charlie!” Annie looked up from a letter she received from Ada Shelby. Annie started writing Ada not too long after the Shelby girl arrived in Boston. The little boy, who had grown so much since the moment she was first introduced to the family, smiled up at her.Annie was sitting on the edge of the fountain at Arrow House, enjoying the cooler temperatures and watching Charlie chase after insects. The green of the trees that lined the property were just beginning to change from a vibrant green to the more muted colors of fall. Annie was happy to welcome in the cooler season. The summer was spent chasing Charlie around the garden and learning how to ride a horse.

“If you’re going to watch after my son you need to learn the basics, at least.” Tommy smuggly told her one day when he came to steal Charlie away to head to the stables.

And so she did learn. Tommy was a surprisingly good teacher. For how gruff and stoic he could be, he was also soft and gentle with the horses...And with her. His patience blew her away as he guided both her and the horse. He always had a proud tone in his voice when she rode and that pleased her. Encouraged her. Tommy always helped her climb on a gray horse named Shadow. The weight of his calloused palms on her waist left her with a curious feeling in the pit of her stomach. Often she would watch those hands as he pulled on the reigns or picked up Charlie or lifted a cigarette to his lips. They were strong hands with bruised knuckles. There was blood on those same hands too, though not visible. For some reason that didn’t bother her. For some reason it made her feel safe.

“Mumma!” The bright voice of Charlie pulled Annie’s thoughts away from the temperature change, the tree leaves, and Tommy Shelby. “Mumma, come see!” There was a small pang in her heart as though she had been pierced with an arrow. She walked closer to him.

“Eun Beag,” Gently, Annie picked up the Shelby boys hand and began to lead him back to the house. She was walking to sitting room. “Do you know who this is?” She’d grabbed a picture that was placed on a table behind a couch. Her finger was pointing at the blonde woman. The picture of Grace Shelby was one of many in the house. “This is your mother Charlie. This is your Mumma.”

Charlie lifted his hand and placed it on Annie’s cheek. “You’re my Mumma.” Annie closed her eyes for a moment. As much as the words pained her, they also warmed her heart. There was a part of her that ached to hear that from Charlie...From any child really. It was a part of her that she kept locked away so she didn’t need to think of blood and bullets and Italians. So she didn’t need to think of evil priests, rainy skies, and a missing boy.

“No...Dearest, this your mother. Her name is Grace.” Annie decided to have a seat right there on the floor. She crossed her legs and pulled the young boy into her lap. It pained her to have this conversation and she suddenly was thinking of Tommy again. She was glad he wasn’t here. Was glad he did not have to feel his heart ache from hearing the conversation about his dead wife. “Isn’t she beautiful? She loves you very much, little Charles.” For some reason she couldn’t talk about Grace as though she was a memory from a time before. Annie knew the pain that accompanied memories of a dead mother. “This is Mummy.” Charlie reached out ran his fingers over the picture.

“Mummy…” His blue eyes were now trained on the picture. Annie’s hand drifted to the space over her heart, as though pressing her chest would make the pain go away.

“That’s right Eun Beag. That’s your mother!” They did not sit there much longer. Charlie moved on quickly, wanting to go back outside and Annie was more than happy to oblige him. To move on and distract herself from the thoughts of children and their mothers that clouded her mind. “Let’s go see the horses, Charlie!”

__

Charlie had been asking Tommy more and more frequently about Grace. He wasn’t sure what was causing his son to ask all the questions, but it pained him to hear his son asking about his mother. He asked where she was. He asked what she was doing. He asked if she was okay. And everytime, Tommy would gently remind Charlie that she was and angel now, watching over them from afar.

That’s why he was caught off guard when he walked into his office at Arrow House one day, home from office early with an ache sitting behind his eyes, and saw Annie standing with his growing boy on her hip and a picture of Grace in her hand. 

“She loves you so much, Charlie.” The small, dark headed woman did not hear him come in. For the past year things were different between he and the nanny. Somehow, she’d become more than a nanny and become a constant presence in his life. They spoke freely back and forth in friendship, in concern, in anger, in laughter. 

“What are you doing in here Annie?” Startled, she looked up.

“Oh! Tommy!” She set Charlie down and the little boy came running towards Tommy. Tommy bent down and hugged his son. “You’re home early.” Annie placed the picture of Grace back on his desk.

“Why are you in here?” He asked, wanting an answer. 

“I was just…” He watched her look down at her hands, clasping them together. “I was just showing Charlie a picture of Grace. He misses her.”

“I doubt he remembers her.” Annie flinched. Tommy told Charlie to go play in his room, putting the pieces together. “Is this why he keeps asking me about her? Because of you?” He accused. There was silence between them for many heartbeats.

“He called me mumma, Tommy.” He stiffened as the words left her mouth in a rush. It was as though she was letting go of a secret she’d kept hidden for centuries. “He started thinking I was his mother and I couldn’t do that to Grace, Tom.” Tommy’s eyes closed, hoping that somehow that would take the pain away. “So, I’ve been showing him his real mother.”

“You don’t even know her.” Tommy stood from his crouched position and walked towards Annie. She looked nervous. “Charlie barely knew her.” Her brows knitted together and he could see the fire in her brown eyes.

“He deserves to know her though.Deserves to have you be the one telling him about her.” Annie moved closer and placed a hand on his cheek, patting it affectionately like he’d see her do to his son many times. “You can’t keep Grace’s ghost around and expect Charlie to stay oblivious.”

“You talk about my ghosts. What about that ghost hanging around your neck?” He spotted the chain of her necklace that held a ring far to big for her own finger. Elliot’s ring. Gently, he lifted his hand and ran his index finger under the chain. Tommy pulled until the ring revealed itself. Before Annie could say anything, he dropped the chain and walked out of the room. The pain behind his eyes was only worsening.


	11. And I Can Feel the Fear Below

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Father Christmas brings everyone heartache this year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where things begin to deviate from the show a bit. There were things and people I did love about, but with Annie around a few of those will change.

“So the great Thomas Shelby finally let you leave his castle.” Annie was sitting on the floor in the small, but cozy living room of her sister's house. Her sister was sitting on the couch,cradling Annie’s newest nephew who was not quite a year old. William, Cora’s husband, sat in a large chair by the fire. 

“Thomas Shelby didn’t let me do anything. I make my own decisions.” Annie’s voice was soft, yet determined. Eleanor was sprawled out beside her, head in her aunt's lap, asleep. Annie was running her fingers through the little girls hair. “I wanted to spend Christmas with my family, so I came to spend Christmas with my family.” 

“I think William might have a point, Annie, dear.” Cora spoke. Annie looked up at her, waiting for her sister to continue. “We don’t ever see you.” 

“Charlie needs me.” She argued. “He doesn’t have a mother, so he needs someone to be that for him in his life.”

“You were hired to be his nanny, Annie. If that little boy needed a mother then Mr. Shelby would have found a wife.” Something about Cora’s words angered Annie. “Is this,” she lowered her voice. “About that baby?” Annie felt as though she had been slapped. They didn’t talk about her baby. They didn’t talk about what was or what could have been. It was a topic not up for discussion. It was taboo. 

“That is an unnecessary question, Cora.” If Eleanor had not been asleep on her lap, Annie would have gotten up and gone to the room she was sleeping in while she visited. 

“I don’t think it is. Are you fulfilling your need to love a child by caring for that boy? And what about Mr. Shelby?”

“What about him?” Annie wanted to leave. To leave the room. To leave the house. She wanted to head back to Arrow House and curl up next to the tree she knew was standing in the sitting room. To help Charlie leave little snacks for Father Christmas. 

“Are you trying to play the role of his wife alongside playing mother to his son?” William cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable. “From what I have gathered from your letters, it just seems to be the two of you in that large, lonely house. Dear, think of what happened with Elliot. Would you want that again” The only thing she was aware of was the beat of her heart in her chest and the sound of blood rushing through her ears.

“Surely you must know what kind of man Thomas Shelby is.” William chimed in.

“Tommy is my employer who needs a friend. Charlie is an energetic boy who needs love and care and affection.” Annie took a deep breath, reaching for a pillow to place under her nieces head. “I am not trying to replace Elliot or our baby. I am trying to help meet a need that I see in that large, lonely house.” Once the pillow was placed underneath Eleanor’s head, Annie shifted out from underneath her and stood up and fixed her sister’s husband with a glare. “Do not speak as though you know the type of man Tommy is. He is a better man than any rumor you’ve heard.”

“It’s not a rumor if it’s true, Annie.”

“I wish to not talk about Tommy or Charlie or Elliot or my baby anymore. It’s Christmas and I came to spend this time with my family, not to discuss how you feel about my life.”

“Annie, dear, we’re sorry. We just love you and want you to be safe and happy.”

“I am safe and happy.” She didn’t need a marriage or child to make her safe or happy. “Now, I think it’s time to get these little ones to bed so Father Christmas can come.” Annie bent down and slowly rubbed the Eleanor’s back, waking the girl up. “Come on, Elle. It’s about time we got to bed. It won’t be Christmas if you don’t go to sleep in your own room.” With those words the little girl sat up quickly, kissed her mother and father goodbye, and waited for her aunt. Annie was staring at her sister, daring her to say another word.

“Come one Aunt Annie! We have to go to bed.” Annie gladly followed her niece, leaving behind memories and a conversation she wanted nothing more to do with.

—

He didn’t think they would be here so soon. When Tommy opened the letter and saw a black handprint next to Luca Changretta’s cursive scrawl he knew what was coming. They weren’t safe anymore. No one was safe, at least, not spread out like they were. 

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” He mumbled under his breath as he rid himself of his bloody clothes. His heart was beating out of his chest and his blood was racing through his veins. Tommy moved to the bathroom and turned the sink faucet on. He’d washed up earlier, but was still stained red. The water and blood swirled in the white porcelain and down the drain. 

He thought they had until Boxing Day at least. His gut was churning with so many emotions and his mind was racing with so many thoughts. Regret. Worry. Anger. Tommy felt like a fool. He should have expected it. The memory of the words he spoke to Ada earlier were ringing in his ears. We’re all on the list, Ada. All of them. Ada. Polly. Michael. Linda. Esme. John. Arthur. The children. Charlie. Himself. He wanted nothing more than to go back to the week before when he, Charlie, and Annie were out riding on the property. Annie. We’re all on the list, Ada. He needed to make sure Annie was safe. Quickly, he washed the rest of the blood off his hands, face, and neck, his hair. He knew he needed to make some calls. He needed Johnny to help him with the body. He needed Michael to get in touch with his family.

His conversation with Johnny was quick, his conversation with Michael was quicker. The instructions he gave the boy were simple. Get everyone out. Polly and Ada first. Then he was to grab John, Esme, and the children.

“Michael, get Annie as well. She’s at her sisters out near John. Drag her out the door if you must.” He’d come to know that Annie was quite stubborn. Rarely would she bend the knee to what he wanted. Tommy hung the transmitter back in its home. There was no need to wait for Michael to answer. His cousin would do what he asked.

He took a brief moment to gather his thoughts. Luca Changretta would not get to them. The Italian would not touch him. Would not touch his family. Would not touch his Annie. Tommy paused as the thought entered his mind...His Annie. She was not his, yet she was. He put the startling thought out of his mind, needing to focus on the tasks at hand. The night ahead of him was long. “Merry fuckin’ Christmas.” He muttered to himself.


	12. No More Hanging On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Italians make their presence known.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think!

It was barely first light when a loud banging noise woke Annie from her sleep. Throwing a dressing gown over her nightgown she softly padded out of the room and down the hall. The scene felt familiar to her. Standing in the doorway was Michael, a grim and anxious look was on his face. He looked so young. Young and afraid.

“Not again.”

“Hurry up and get changed, Annie. Tommy wants you with the family.” Her sister and brother-in-law were looking at her, questions and shock written on their faces. Annie was frozen as fearful thoughts raced through her mind. Was is Tommy again? Or Charlie? “Annie, let’s go. We have to get John and Esme. No one is in hurt...” The mention of Tommy’s younger brother got her moving. “Yet.” The end of Michael’s sentence made her wince and move faster. She ran to her room to change and grab her belongings. 

“Aunt Annie…” Eleanor groggily whined as Annie put her jacket on. “Is Father Christmas at the door?”

“Not quite, love. Why don’t you go back to sleep?” Annie leaned down, kissed her niece’s forehead and left the room without another word.

“No, Annie.” Cora said, standing in front of the door. “I won’t let you do this. We just talked about how you need to move on from this.”

“You don’t have to  _ let _ me do anything, Cora. I am my own person who makes her own decisions.” William’s fists were clenched as he looked between Annie, Cora, and Michael. Annie could tell her didn’t want his wife standing there.

“Are you sure? Because it sounds as though you are doing what Mr. Shelby is telling you what to do.” Annie thought back to the conversation they had, not even ten hours before.

“Cora, I love you. So much.” The younger woman took a deep breath. “But, you haven’t a clue what is happening. Neither do I, but I know that when Thomas Shelby sends someone to knock on your door at the crack of dawn it isn’t a good thing.”

“That’s my point exactly!” Annie ignored her sisters protest and walked right past both her and Michael, only stopping when she reached the automobile.

The ride was silent. Annie didn’t bother asking any question. The look on Michael’s face was enough to let her know that whatever was happening was not a good thing. No one was hurt, but there were no promises that it would not happen later on. By the time they arrived at John and Esme’s the sun had risen over the horizon. 

“Stay in the car” Michael told her, but the moment she heard Esme yelling she ran out of the car and towards the front of the large home. Annie rounded the corner as she heard Michael talking about the mafia. “This is the New York Mafia we’re talking about!” John watched as Annie approached them, shaking his head and spouting out something about being the Peaky Blinders. Michael responded how they weren’t the Peaky Blinders when they were apart. Esme brought up the family standing at the gallows.

“He did it to protect them, Esme!” Annie couldn’t let Esme go on talking about something she didn’t fully understand. The Romani woman ignored her and continued fighting with Michael. As that was happening Annie watched a cart pull up to the fence and stop. It was as if the world was now slowed down, almost at a stop, as a man with a gun jumped over the hay bales. John was yelling and there was a buzzing noise. Memories flooded Annie’s mind as she felt the sting of two bullets pierce her skin.

_ “Annie!” Elliot’s voice called out to her. “Annie! Get away.” _

__

John was dead. Michael was in the hospital. Annie was asleep. Each of them with holes in their bodies. Tommy’s blood was boiling in anger. Luca Changretta was going to pay. The Italian was going to pay. They were all going to pay. One by one, he was going to take them all out. There wouldn’t be an Italian associated with Changretta left. 

“Daddy…” Charlie said walking into the room. The young boy had been sitting in the same room that Annie was sleeping in. “Nee is awake.” Tommy crouched down to look his son in the eye.

“You did a great job watching after Annie. You kept her safe. Why don’t you play with your new toys while I go see Annie, aye?” Charlie smiled as his father complimented him. “Go on now, boy.” Tommy waited until Charlie started playing with a few of the toys he’d gotten for Christmas before leaving the room. When he entered the small space Annie was in, the woman was already trying to get out of bed. Her right arm was in a cloth sling and her shoulder was covered in bandages. She was strong willed. “You should be resting.”

“I’m fine.” She replied, not looking at him. Tommy didn’t like that.

“You’ve been shot.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened.” He watched as her left hand drifted to her abdomen. He wasn’t sure she realized that she was doing it. “I’m fine.”

“You say that, but I’m not entirely certain that I believe you.” Tommy moved towards her, taking a seat on the bed beside her. She still wouldn’t look at him.

“I’m sure you’ve been shot before. You survived. I’ll survive too. As I mentioned before, this is not my first go with bullet wounds.” Annie’s eyes remained locked on the window in front of her. Her voice sounded hollow. 

“Annie…” No response. “Look at me Ann.” Finally, the dark headed woman looked at him. Her eyes were glassy with tears. 

“I heard him Tommy.” The tears she’d been holding back spilled over onto her cheeks. Tommy’s chest tightened. “I heard Elliot as I laying on the ground. I thought...Tommy I thought I was dying and that I was going to see him again.” The same hand that was on her abdomen drifted up to her neck. He knew she was looking for her dead husband's ring. “And then I woke up in the hospital and I was alive and he wasn’t there.” He understood that. Tommy had woken from many dreams about his Grace, empty inside. He did not say anything, instead let her cry in silence. When her tears dried she gasped like she suddenly remembered something. “Oh, John…” Annie twisted her body and took hold of his hand. “When is the funeral?”

“Tomorrow.” He was now aware of how hollow his voice sounded. “Will you stay with Charlie?” 

“Of course.” She responded without hesitation. 

“Annie,” Tommy said, reaching into the pocket of his waist coat. “A nurse gave this to me at the hospital.” He held his hand out to her. Sitting in his palm was Elliot’s ring. The nurse thought it had been his. Thinking back on that moment, Tommy was not altogether put off by the idea. In fact, it left him feeling pleased.

“These are Italian’s right?” She asked, picking the ring up. He knew why she was asking. She had a history with Italians. With Sabini.

“Yes.” Tommy answered. What color Annie did have in her face drained leaving her even paler than he thought possible. “Don’t worry, alright? This will be handled. I will handle this.” She nodded as though she understood, but Tommy wasn’t sure if he believed her. 


	13. But I Can’t Let Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ada is onto something both Annie and Tommy are blind to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that I’m posting this later that I wanted. This week was a tough week at work. Please enjoy and let me know your thoughts!

Life on Watery Lane was not that different from life at Arrow House. The only difference Annie could really think of was the lack of space. Rather than running around playing hide and seek with Charlie and visiting the stable, they were now spending their days inside playing pretend and reading books and all the questions as to why they couldn’t go back home.

“We’re on an adventure!” Annie would tell the curious little boy. There was truth to her words, although this adventure was not like great journeys they read about in books. This adventure was dark. This adventure had an undercurrent of fear and tension. They hardly saw Tommy. After John’s funeral Tommy threw himself in the vendetta against Luca Changretta. He threw himself into work at the factory. Charlie was not only questioning why they couldn’t return home, but also where his father was.Annie never mentioned it, but she was asking herself the same exact thing.

“Good morning, Annie.” The lofty voice of Ada Shelby interrupted Annie’s thoughts. Annie put the tea she’d been sipping on down on the saucer in front of her. The sun had only been up for a few hours. Charlie was still asleep.

“Hi, Ada.” The friendship that blossomed between letters that came and went from England to Boston had only grown in person. Annie hadn’t had many female friends in her life. She’d always had Cora,but ever since her older sister married, things were not the same. “Seems as though Charlie and I are to see more of you these days than we are of Tommy.” Ada was quiet for a moment and then made eye contact with Annie.

“No, Annie.”

“No, what?” 

“Don’t think about Tommy like that.” Annie looked at Ada in confusion as she talked. “He’s no good. He may be my brother, but he is a broken man who will only turn you into a whore.” The words stunned her. She didn’t know what brought this discussion on.

“I don’t-”

“I see it in your eyes. I hear it in your voice. He will only ruin you.” Ada’s words were spoken with confidence.

“I don’t see Tommy in that way, Ada. He is just my employer and my friend.” She spoke with conviction. Tommy’s sister looked like she didn’t believe a word she said. Ada looked at her with pity gleaming in her blue-grey, Shelby eyes. 

“He’s broken, Annie Lewis and he will only break you.” Annie couldn’t help but scoff at the statement.

“Tommy isn’t the only broken one.” The truth about her past life had come tumbling out of Annie’s mouth one night as they sat in front of the fire. The truth about Elliot, the Italians, her baby. All of it.

“And that is what scares me, Annie.” Ada was frustrated. “I’m afraid that he likes the broken in you. I think he likes seeings cracks in someone other than himself.” Instead of responding, Annie went back to sipping her tea. Did Tommy only like her for the tragedy she brought to the table? Did he keep her around because she could share in his darkness?

Those questions stuck with her throughout the day. Her mind was never fully focused on what she was doing. As she read, she didn’t comprehend the meaning of the words on the page. As she and Charlie played, Charlie would have to remind her to pay attention. She couldn’t eat. She couldn’t sleep. All she could do was think on Ada’s warning. All she could do was think about Tommy Shelby. She was thinking about him so much that it startled her to see him walk through the door that night. Was it possible that her thoughts summoned him? Could he know that he was all she could focus on?

__

She was surprised when he walked in. 

“I take it you weren’t expecting me.” Tommy said, sitting in a chair next to Annie. The woman nodded her head, not saying anything. They were both quiet for a moment. While it was not new for there to be silence between them, there was something unsettling about it now. “Annie, are you ill?”

“No. Why do you ask?” The confident tone he was familiar with was not there. She sounded small. He was reminded of the woman he first met who could not stop rambling. Of the woman who he made nervous.

“Just a thought.” Annie shifted in her chair, looking away from him. Tommy considered himself a patient man. He would wait. Did she want to leave? Had she finally come to her senses? Did she finally see him for the monster he really was? “Thomas,” She began after a few moments. “Why am I here?”

“Because it’s not safe to be anywhere else.” Had he not communicated that to her? They were all in danger outside of the streets he grew up on.

“No, Tom. Why am I here?” Tommy sat up straighter, wanting Annie to look at him. He needed to see her face. “There are plenty of people who could look after Charlie. People who could keep him safe. He’s getting older. Soon he’ll go to school. He’ll need a tutor.”

“Do you not want to be here anymore?” His voice was flat, trying not to let his thoughts escape his mind in any way. He didn’t want Annie to quit. Didn’t want her to leave. 

“No!” Annie cried out, turning to him. He could see the honesty written on her face. “I-I love it here...Well maybe not in this house, but I do love being with Charlie. I enjoy this job so very much.” Tommy’s shoulders relaxed in relief.

“Then what’s the problem?” He asked.

“I’m just the nanny. I don’t see anyone else from Arrow House here. No cook. No maid.” The dark headed woman’s hand reached towards him for a moment, but she pulled it back. He watched her curiously. “Why am I here, Tom?” She questioned again.

“Must I have a reason?” 

“Yes.”

“Well, I don’t have one.” The straight line her mouth was sitting in turned to a frown as she stood up from her chair.

“It’s late.” Quickly she left the room without looking at him. 

Tommy took a deep breath, held it, and then let out a long sigh. He didn’t have a clue what just transpired between them. He was thankful she didn’t want to leave them. To leave him, really. He wouldn’t let her go. She’d asked him for a reason, but in all honesty he didn’t even have an answer for himself. All he knew was that Annie Lewis couldn’t leave him.


	14. I Jump from Sweat In the Night Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Annie is getting restless in Small Heath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no self control and could not wait to post another chapter. Hope you like it! I want to hear your thoughts!

“Nee, I miss Greyfoot.” Charlie mentioned one day as walked along the grey street. The weather was beginning to warm, if only a little bit. It made Annie homesick for afternoons spent at Arrow House laying in the garden. She was clearly not the only one feeling homesick either. “And Coal.”

“I bet they miss you even more, Eun Beag.” Annie smiled at him, sadly. “We’ll go to the stables first thing when we get home.” If they were ever able to go home. If they were ever able to get away from the city. Get away from the prison that Tommy turned Small Heath into. Away from those that guarded them. There was a tall man in a cap in front of her and another behind as she and Charlie walked down the street. “Little Charles, I have an idea.” The small boy who was holding her hand giggled and looked up at her and they stopped walking. “Excuse me, gentlemen…” 

“Yes?” One of them answered gruffly.

“I would appreciate it if you would be so kind as to take Mr. Shelby and I to Charlie’s yard.” It was a place that she heard all of the Shelby’s talk about, but never seen for herself. Arthur mentioned briefly that there were stables there.

“Can’t do that.” The man that was behind her answered. “Can’t go much farther.”

“Because Thomas Shelby told you so?” Annie dropped Charlie’s hand and walked to the Blinder. Her spine was straight and her shoulders squared. “To me, it sounds like you don’t trust yourself to protect us.” 

“That’s not tr-”

“Then take us.” The more frustrated she was, the more her arm ached. The wounds were healing nicely, but she ached from time to time. “I’m sure we’ll be much safer there than we would be standing in the middle of the street.” Annie wasn’t completely certain that was true, but she and Charlie needed to see new sights. Smell new smells. 

“Come on then.” The other sighed. Annie smiled in triumph. She picked up Charlie’s hand again as they walked towards the direction they’d just come from. 

They sang songs as they walked, Charlie getting most of the words wrong. The walk was not extremely long. Charlie was excited to be out of the house and exploring. Annie wondered for a moment if that was how Tommy had been as a child on the streets of Small Heath. When they arrived at the yard, both she and the youngest Shelby were surprised. Charlie was ready to get into anything and everything he could see. Annie wasn’t sure if her idea was a good one anymore. There was too much for Charlie to get into.

“Hello Little Charlie!” Curly cried out as they stepped farther into the yard. “And Miss Annie!”

“Hello Curly!”

“Miss Annie, what are you doing here?” Behind Curly she could see Charlie working. He eyed her curiously, clearly listening to the conversation.

“Charles and I are missing the horses Tommy has back at Arrow House. We heard that there were stables here though and thought we would come see if that was true.”

“It is true. Would you like to see them?” 

“Yes!” Charlie answered before she could. Curly took the little boy’s hand and led him to the right. Annie followed closely behind. Her heart warmed at Charlie’s excitement as they walked into the stables. The smell reminded her of Arrow House and summertime and Tommy. “Nee, look!” He pointed at a large brown horse with a white smudge between its eyes. “What’s his name, Curly?”

“His name is Ceasar.” Curly answered. “Your dad named him.” That didn’t surprise Annie. Caesar sounded very much like a name Tommy would choose. “Do you want to ride him?” 

“Yes!”

“Not by yourself, Charlie. If you’re going to ride him, then it’ll be with me.” Annie wished she had her trousers she would normally use while riding, but those were tucked away in her wardrobe back in Warwickshire. “Curly, turn around.” The sweet man did as she commanded. While his back was turned Annie bent down and tied her long skirt into something that resembled trousers. “Alright, boys. Curly would you mind saddling up Ceasar?” He nodded and once Caesar had a saddle the man also helped both her and Charlie up. Charlie leaned back on her and she smiled. This is just what they needed.

__

The laugh he heard sounded out of place in Charlie’s yard. It was a laugh he was familiar with and a laugh that shouldn’t have been there. It was the giggle of his son...His son who should have been home. Tommy had just come from the canal where he left May Carlton to get on the boat. His uncle helped the lady on the boat, but Tommy couldn’t help but wonder where Curly was. He knew he was fond of her. Tommy received an answer to his questions when he rounded the corner. Curly was leading his brown horse that was holding his giggling son and Annie Lewis.

“Daddy!” Charlie yelled. Caesar's ears flickered.

“Quiet Charlie. We don’t want to scare Caesar do we?” He heard Annie speak to his son. “How about we hop down? Tommy?” Tommy took his son into his arm, placing him on the ground. As he did that, Annie helped herself off of the horse. He eyed her up and down. She winced as her left hand reached for her right arm.

“What are you-?

“Wearing?” She interrupted him. “My skirt. I tied it up so I could ride with Charlie. If you turn around I can-”

“What are you doing here?” Tommy asked, interrupting her to ask his question. Annie seemed taken aback.

“We are not birds you can keep caged, Tom.” Her words were not angry, just matter of fact. “Now, can you men please turn around so I can fix my skirt?” He did ask she asked, but after a few seconds passed he turned back to her. She was trying to smooth out the wrinkles.

“You know how dangerous it is out here.” The woman cocked her head to the side and gave him a sweet smile. He inhaled sharply.

“I haven’t been shot, Tommy...At least, not today.” She laughed. He frowned. “Oh, Tommy, you’re meant to laugh.” Stepping forward she placed a hand on his shoulder. “We’re safe. We got here safe and if you would like to ensure our safety home, you can walk us back yourself.” He inhaled and exhaled a few times. This woman was not like the others in his life. She was brave and a coward. She was strong and weak. She open and secretive. She was beautiful.

“What if I drove you home instead?”


	15. But I Swear You Came to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy kills three men.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! Please enjoy! Let me know what you think!

“I killed three men today.” Tommy said, sitting in a, grabbing a cigarette from the case in his pocket. Charlie was out of the room to grab a few toys he left in the kitchen. Annie decided he did that purposefully. Tommy was staring at the ground, looking, but not really seeing anything. It worried her. Reminded her of the Tommy who’d called her a whore and himself a monster. 

“Tom…” Annie said, placing her hand on his. “Ar-” Charlie walked back into the room, followed by Polly, causing Annie to rip her hand away and stop talking. Polly eyed her in the same way Ada did weeks ago. The younger woman blushed and sat next to Charlie. 

Tommy and Polly went back and forth talking for a few minutes. The smell of burning tobacco comforted her. It was a smell that reminded her of Sunday afternoon tea in the garden back at Arrow House. Of sarcasm and stolen glances. Ada’s words came back to her before she let her thoughts wander any farther.He likes seeings cracks in someone other than himself. Followed by Tommy’s.

Must I have a reason? 

Yes.

Well, I don’t have one.

The sound of slamming doors brought Annie out of her thoughts. Tommy called a family meeting. The sound could only mean that it was about to begin. Annie looked to Tommy who stood up, whiskey in hand. He stared at her for a moment before leaving the room. 

She and Charlie played with his two cars as she heard the family’s discussion down the hall. Tommy and Polly were leading the meeting, cluing the family in on a plan only they knew about. She didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but her curiosity was getting the best of her. She even stood by the door, listening. Charlie saw this and took this as a sign to go find his father.

“Charlie!” Annie hissed quietly, trying to get him to come back, but it was too late. As she walked in the room, Tommy picked his son off the ground. No one paid much attention to the fact that Annie now joined the meeting, except Polly. Polly looked at her with pity as the younger woman moved to stand closer to Tommy. As Arthur spoke to Tommy, Charlie piped in with a question.

“Dad…” He began. “You got three what?” Tommy’s lips turned up in a brief smile.

“I got three schillings,” The boys father said as he ran his fingers over Charlie’s abdomen. “For a two schilling horse.” Annie remembered, as her eyes connected with his, the day she told Tommy he was not the great father everyone thought. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe, she thought, for the man that Thomas Shelby was and for the things Thomas Shelby did, he was a good father. Maybe for a man that killed other men, he was doing alright. Annie squeezed his arm as he passed by her. She hoped he could feel how sorry she was for her words through her touch.

__

“You killed three men today.” Annie Lewis’s voice startled him as he stood at the bar cart in his office at the shop. He turned around decanter still in his hand. “Don’t worry. Charlie is at home, asleep.”

“How did you get here?” She walked to the table and took a seat. There was a smile on her face, soft and innocent and so very Annie.

“I walked.” He fixed her with a glare. She rolled her dark eyes. “I left a note in the kitchen. I’m sure someone in that house will find it. I could hear Polly humming as I walked down the hall. If Charlie needs someone she will be there.” The woman could ramble.

“What are you doing here?” Tommy asked this time. The playfulness she had when she walked in left her. He could see the change instantly.

“Must I have a reason?” He wished he could move on from those words. He wished they weren’t ingrained in his memory. He wished he hadn’t said them. He wished he didn’t need a reason. Tommy didn’t respond. He just looked at her. He would not play this game with her. Annie sighed, clearly irritated. “You killed three men today.” 

“I killed three men today.” He took a large gulp of the whiskey, swallowed, and finished the tumbler. His hands had a slight tremor. He watched Annie as she watched him. She noticed the shaking. Slowly, she grabbed his left hand and held it between both of hers. “There’s so much death, Annie. It follows me.” The war. Grace. John. All the men he’d killed. The numbers were growing. The skin of her fingers was soft. One of her thumbs brushed circularly over the space his wedding ring once sat

“For a time...For a time Death will follow you and then he will move onto his next victim. Haunting them. Hiding in their shadows like he hides in yours.” She whispered. 

“Do you tell tales like that to my son?” Tommy chuckled darkly, without humor, trying to deflect. He felt bare; like he shared too much. “You shouldn’t have walked here by yourself. It was stupid.” He watched her dark eyes roll for the second time that night.

“Has anyone ever told you how impossible you are, Mr. Shelby?” Letting go of his hands, she sat back in her chair. Silence grew between them, but it was not uncomfortable. It was familiar. He liked it just as much as he liked the smell of hay and coal. The taste of whiskey and cigarettes. The feel of a gentle breeze against his cheeks as he rode on a horse. It was normal. It was warm. “Tommy, how did you get involved with the Italians?”

“I killed Changretta’s father.” He might not have pulled the trigger, but he did put the order out on the old man. “He’s the reason Grace is dead.” Annie did not react. “How did you get involved with the Italians?”

“Elliot and I eloped. Neither of us had money. My parents were dead and his didn’t approve, so my husband turned to Sabini for money. Elliot couldn’t pay him back though. So they came one night, bloodied us both up. Shot us.”

“Left you for dead.” 

“They thought I was. I felt good and dead after what they’d taken from me.” Annie’s words were laced with grief and sorrow. She could try to hide it all she wanted, but Tommy knew the sound all too well. “I’m tired of talking about the Italians. Take me home, Tom.”


	16. Just As You Always Would

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Death continues to follow Tommy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please enjoy! Let me know what you're thinking.

“Annie, you’ve been holding out on us dear.” Ada said, her bright red lips turned up in a small smirk. Annie felt her cheeks grow warm. “You will have men falling at your feet in worship.” The two women were dressed up. Annie looked down at the black beaded shift dress that was on her body. She borrowed it from Ada, just like everything else she had on. The necklace, earrings, the sparkling band around her head.

“Ada, I don’t think I should go. What about-”

“Don’t you dare mention my nephew. Annie, I can see you going crazy stuck here. You need a night out. You deserve it.” Annie could see that Ada’s eyes were locked on the puckered skin of the scars on her shoulder and arm. “Now, let’s go have some fun.” 

When she first walked out the door she was nervous, but as she walked down the stairs, Ada to her left, Polly to her right, and Linda behind them, she began to feel more comfortable. The other women had confidence seeping out of their pores. For how out of place they were, the women did not let that hinder them. As they sat in their front row seats, drinking and laughing, Annie could help but lock eyes with Tommy who was sitting across the ring. He raised his eyebrows as though he was questioning why she was there. All she did was smile at him.

“Is there something going on with you and Tommy?” Linda asked. Annie tore her eyes away from the dark headed man and turned to the woman sitting next to her. Ada let out a bark of a humorless laugh. Polly watched Annie with knowing eyes. Annie didn’t want to be there any longer. The room felt warmer suddenly.

“There is nothing going on between Tommy and I, Linda. Thank you for inquiring though.” Polly smiled as Linda rolled her eyes. 

“You’re a different girl than the one I first. The one who shook life a leaf.” There was a certain fondness in Polly’s voice as she talked to Annie.

“That’s how it should be.” Annie replied. “You should never be the same person your whole life.” There would always be things that changed them. Death. Life. The seasons. 

“Right you are, Annie.” Polly lifted the bottle of gin in her hand, toasting the words Annie had spoken. The young woman looked back at the ring, marveling at what her life had become. Polly was right. She was not the same. 

“Where’sTommy and Arthur gone?” Polly asked a few moments later. Annie’s eyes shifted to where the Shelby brother had been sitting all night. The chairs were now empty. Polly got out of her chair and walked out of the large room. Annie watched her leave and debated if she wanted to follow.

“Come on!” Ada yelled from beside her. She’d been watching the match the entire time, not paying much attention to what was going on around her. Annie tried to do the same, to watch Bonnie Gold in the ring, but her mind was not there. It was with Tommy. Wherever he was. With whatever he was doing. Something was not right. Her suspicions were confirmed sometime later when she could see some of the Peaky Boys scrambling around the room, in more than a celebration of Bonnie defeating Goliath. “Polly?” Ada asked as the girls aunt approached them, her face grim. Polly ignored her niece and went straight to Linda, taking the blonde’s hand and bringing her close, whispering in her ear.

“Pol?” Annie asked, wanting an answer as Linda buried her head in her hands.

“Arthur is dead.” 

“No!” Ada exclaimed, sitting back down. There was shock on her face. “Oh, Linda.” Polly and Ada acted fast and took Linda out of the room. Annie couldn’t move. Although she had not been the closest with Arthur, it was still a shock to hear that another Shelby boy had died...And so soon after John.

Annie was in her own mind until she heard Tommy’s voice. He was yelling and there were gunshots. She screamed. He just wanted their attention. To let everyone know that his big brother was dead. Annie was pained watching him unravel. 

__

“Tommy.” Annie’s voice penetrated the silence. He was sitting at the kitchen staring at the meal that was on the table in front of him. By her tone of voice he knew she wanted to talk about Arthur. Preparations for his pseudo funeral were happening, but the feeling of loss was real. He was thinking of John. He’d not had a proper moment to mourn him.

“Annie.”

“I...I’m so sorry.”

“You didn’t kill my brother.” Didn’t kill John, is what he was really thinking. “Changretta did. You have no reason to be sorry.” His voice was void of emotion. 

“Tom…” She sat down next to him and grabbed his wrist, giving it a gentle squeeze. He thought of the morning they shared, what felt like a lifetime ago, at his kitchen table in Arrow House. He wished he could be back there, with Annie and Charlie. Away from blood and violence. 

“I’m tired, Annie.” He was tired. Tired of it all. He felt as though he had not rested since he arrived back from the war. This life of his was only one thing after the next, it seemed. “He won’t stop until he’s taken everyone from me. He will kill you all. My son. My family. Ann, he’ll kill you.” Tommy looked at the woman who was still holding onto his wrist. He was seeing if she’d given any reaction to her words. Instead of shock or fear, all he saw on her face was pity. And something else he couldn’t quite place.

“That’s why you’ll kill him first.” Her words surprised him. There was a bite to them. “Kill him. Kill them all.” He shouldn’t have been surprised though. She’d endured so much because of the Italians. They all had. 

“He will die.” It was a promise. “He will die and we can go back to living. All of us.” Arthur included. They could return to their lives, although he wasn’t sure what that would like him. Would he continue to live a life with only Charlie or would his family welcome him back with open arms? And what about Annie? Would she even want to stay around after all this mess?

“Yes. We will continue on living.” Annie squeezed his hands and gave him a smile. A hopeful smile. Maybe she would want to stay.


	17. May You Always Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is life and death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two updates in less than 24 hours! Who am I?! Please enjoy this update. Things are starting to move. Like I always say, let me know what you think! I love hearing what you all think! Also, would you all be interested in a playlist? I have one made that I listen to while I write, but I thought maybe I could share!

She stood beside Ada and Karl as the vardo was being led down Watery Lane. There were a few flowers in her hand and she placed them softly through the window. As she walked back a white bundle caught her eye from down the street. Peering in that direction she could see that it was Linda holding young Billy. While Linda was a bit of a wild card that she and the Shelby’s were a bit unsure of, Annie’s heart filled with empathy for the woman. The blonde had lost her husband. Annie knew what that felt like.

“Where is Tommy?” Annie asked. It wasn’t as though she thought he’d be there to watch the vardo pass, but she hadn’t seen him in a little over a day. Ada, who was clinging tightly to her son’s shoulders, took a deep breath.

“Taking care of the business.” Tommy’s sister replied, turning her back and heading back inside their home. Annie followed her in. “There is work to be done. Things that have to change. Plans that need to be made.” The plans that he was making went far beyond the business, Annie decided. “I am to meet him at the shop later. Along with Pol...” She sighed. “And Michael.” 

“Michael is back?” No one told her what had happened to him. She knew he was in the hospital for awhile and knew that he left, but she was not told about where he’d been.

“Not for long.” The words bothered Annie. No, the words did not bother her, the secret behind them did.

“Will things ever be told to me?” Secrets were heavy. She knew the weight of them well, and the secrets the Shelby family held must have weighed as much the world itself did. Ada shooed Karl up the stairs to go play with Charlie. They left the little boy playing in his room while they stood outside.

“Not even Grace knew everything, Annie.” The brunettes locked eyes. Ada meant those words as a challenge. If there was ever a doubt that she had Shelby blood in her veins, it was all wiped away in that moment.

“Well, I’m not Grace, now am I?” Annie knew that Ada said those words to get a rise out of her, but the nanny was not going to let that happen. Tommy had given her much practice in the time she’d known him. Ada looked Annie up and down, a smirk forming on her face.

“No...No you are not.” Annie’s friend sighed. “Michael betrayed Tommy’s trust. Michael is being sent away for the time being to do some business for the family. Now, would you might watching after my son while I go talk business?”

“Thank you, Ada.” With a nod of her head, Annie walked up the stairs. She could hear the boys laughing and wondered if that was what life was like for the Shelby brothers as children? Did they spend their afternoons laughing in that room? Did they have a joyous childhood or did they have a childhood like these two boys were having? Full of loss and death and sadness and secrets. 

__

Charlie was sleeping on the bed in front of him. Moonlight was streaming in the window behind him and caused the blonde hair of his son to look silver. It reminded him of his Grace. Of moments when he would watch her sleep. There was no pain in his heart as he thought of her, compared to times in the past. Instead, all he could feel was relief. Changretta was dead. He was dead and his followers dispersed. 

The sound of the doorknob turning pulled him from his thoughts. Tommy did not look towards the door, but the small gasp coming from that direction let him know who it was.

“Oh! Sorry, Tom.” Annie apologized. “I didn’t know you were in here. I just wanted to check on him, make sure that he’s okay.”

“He’s fine.” He heard her moving and turned to look at her. She was beginning to leave the room. “No.” Tommy demanded. “Stay.” Her features softened and she shut the door behind her. “Sit here.” He moved over on the small chaise to make room for her. 

“Arthur is alive.” Annie whispered. He was certain he’d be able to hear her accusing tone all the way from France.

“Yes.” Was his only response. 

“You could have told me.” She was hurt. This surprised him. “I know why you had to keep it a secret from everyone, but...But I don’t think you see me as everyone.” Tommy was beginning to learn to never underestimate Annie and her bravery. Her words were honest and from the heart. Her words were correct.

“You could not know.”

“You don’t trust me.”

“I do.” Finally, he looked her dead in the eye. “I trust you more than I should. And that’s why you couldn’t know. Because if you knew he would know and he would get to you.”

“Changretta, you mean?”

“Yes, fucking Changretta.” His name was like acid on his tongue. It made his blood boil. “I could not risk you.” Without warning she took one of his hands as she’d done many times in the past. Only this time she lifted it to her lips. Quietly she kissed his knuckles, then opened his palm and placed another kiss in the center. Her eyes never left his as she did this.

“Thomas, you can tell me things. You can risk me.” She was desperate, for what though he did not know. For him? His body? His mind? His heart? His commitment?

“I’m sorry, Annie, but I can’t. There will always be someone. Someone who wants to kill me. To destroy what I’ve worked for and they will not stop until everything and everyone is ripped from me. It is the nature of the business. It is the nature of me.” She dropped his hand. “You are worth too much to risk.

“I think you’re wrong.” Annie stood and his heart ached. There was no more relief, only fear and paranoia. “Your actions say that I am not worth enough.” She moved to Charlie and bent down to kiss his forehead. “Goodnight Eun Beag. I will see you in the morning.” The woman left the room and Tommy felt as though she’d left his life altogether. 

“Fuck.”


	18. Now I'm Just a Broken Parable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Annie and Tommy do some thinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know...It's been awhile. Life has been really crazy lately, but I have a little time of vacation and plan to do some writing! There isn't much going on in this chapter, but I think we needed a moment to let both of the character breathe without much going on. Please let me know what you think! ALSO!!!! I created a playlist for this story. There is a link to it in my profile if you wanna check it out.

The water in the tub was beginning to cool against her skin. Annie had been in the water for what felt like an eternity. She was back in Arrow House. Charlie was asleep down the hall and Tommy...Tommy was gone. He’d gone on holiday at Arthur’s suggestion. It surprised her that he decided to leave, but in a way she was glad that she did. With him gone it gave her space to breathe without things aching. She’d put her neck out there confronting what was between them, but he’d refused her all in the name of safety.

It hurt to think about that night. Everytime she thought of it she thought of Tommy’s hand in hers and her lips against his palm. Tommy’s bright blue eyes had been full of fire and pain and desire and something Annie couldn’t let her self hope for. She wanted him to pull her close and hold her tight. Luca Changretta was dead. Arthur was alive. The Shelby’s were together again. There was no better time, in her mind. But she was wrong. In Tommy’s mind there was never going to be a good time. There was always going to be someone preventing any connection, although the only one Annie could see was Tommy himself. Was it because of Grace? Was he not ready to move on? Annie understood, she really did. She loved Elliot. She would always love Elliot, but he was dead. And Tommy? He was alive. And she was alive. How could they not even try? 

Annie was tired of thinking and took a deep breath before submerging herself in the water. She stayed there until her lungs began to burn. The discomfort was a welcome distraction to her racing thoughts. Annie only came out of the water when she was certain her organs would burst from a lack of air. She broke through the water with a loud gasp, but before she could gain a breath tears came to her eyes and a sob escaped her. The woman wasn’t entirely sure why she was crying, all she did know was that she couldn’t stop. Maybe it was because her heart hurt. Maybe it was because she felt relieved to be home. Maybe it was because she could feel a phantom ache in her abdomen where a bullet once pierced her. Maybe it was all of those things.

She left the tub when her tears were dry and the water was causing her to shiver from it’s temperature. After drying off she slipped into a nightgown and braided her hair back. Annie was tired and not in a way that could easily be fixed by sleep. She needed rest. She needed to close her eyes and leave thoughts of Tommy and that night behind her; if only for a little while. Walking back to her room she peeked in on Charlie to make sure he was asleep. His little silvery blonde head was barely sticking out from under the quilt that covered him. It brought a small smile to her face as she closed the door and continued her journey to her room.

As she stared up at the ceiling the thoughts she wanted to banish consumed her still. This man would not leave her mind. His blue eyes and dark hair. His small freckles and impossible cheekbones. His anger and sadness and darkness and joy and laughter and gentleness. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. That was the beat of her heart and she hated it. Or at least she wanted to. But there was hope in her still that Annie could not extinguish. She wasn’t sure where the hope was stemming from, but nonetheless it was there. Maybe he would come around? Maybe he would see what she saw? Or maybe she would just leave. Move on from this disaster. Start over somewhere new...There was hope in that as well.

__

When Arthur first suggested going on holiday Tommy thought that wasn’t such an awful idea. He thought that he could use a break. Spend some time alone and with himself. Away from work. From responsibility. From ghosts. From Annie. But, it turned out to be an extremely awful idea. Tommy was bored out of his mind. He was restless. He was haunted by demons now and not by ghosts. Phantom explosions rang in his ears.Ghostly taunting from Alfie Solomons followed him around. Tommy’s hands shook.

How many people that he’d known in his life had died? His mother. His father. Greta. Grace. John. Alfie. Many men he met during war time. Many men he met outside of wartime. The men he’d killed. Why did he think he could do something normal for once? Why did he think he could forget about the blood that was on his hands even for a small moment?

Golf was a terrible idea. Worse than the idea of a holiday itself. It was slow and Tommy didn’t like slow...Well, he didn’t like it apart from Annie. He wanted nothing more than to trade this damp early spring, alone on a golf course for a warm summer afternoon spent under a shade tree with Annie and Charlie. Tommy did not let his mind linger there for too long though. It hurt to think about his son’s nanny. To think about what she wanted and how he couldn’t give that to her. To think about how her safety was worth everything. He couldn’t add her to the list of dead in his life. She was far too precious for that. He would risk it all before he put her in danger. His business. His relationships. His mind, even. And that scared him, because there were not many times that Tommy was afraid. When he experienced a claustrophobic dirt tunnel for the first time. When Grace had been shot. When Charlie had been taken. But Annie? Just the mere thought of something happening to her made him fearful...And that was the scariest thing of all.


	19. I’ve Seen 'em Carry Family & the Steel Drum Weight of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It seems like Tommy’s demons aren’t just haunting him anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! I hope you all had a lovely holiday and if not I hope 2020 is kind. Please enjoy this chapter. Starting now the chapter titles will come from the song Duet by Penny and Sparrow. I feel like this is a perfect Tom and Ann song. Please let me know what you think. I love reading your feedback.

She didn’t want to think of him. Honestly, she didn’t. But Tommy was the only thing that Annie could think about. He returned from holiday a completely different person. He was still Tommy. Still rough. Still sarcastic. Still haunted. Still beautiful. But, he was different. It was as though he was possessed. Annie could hear him sometimes, hear his screams. His wimpers. And then there was the drinking. While she never knew Tommy to shy away from a drink, it was becoming the only constant in his life. He ignored his family, his son, the help...Her. Francis looked after Tommy while Annie watched after his son. 

Little Charlie didn’t seem to understand what was going on with his father and, quite frankly, neither did she. It worried her, scared her, to see this man she’d come to know as friend and come to love as something more, crumble before her eyes. Annie wanted nothing more than to help him, but she didn’t know how and Tommy made his feelings towards her quite clear. So, she put all her time, energy, and effort into loving his son. Teaching and guiding Charlie while Tommy was absent gave her a goal to focus on. Francis pleaded with Annie to do something. She claimed she was the only one who could help him. The older woman said if anyone could make him see the light it would be her, but Annie refused. She insisted that was not true and she believed that...Until one early morning.

Annie had gotten Charlie out of bed. The little boy, who looked so much like his mother with the exception of his fathers clear blue eyes, was in the midst of telling her about a dream he had when they both heard it. Breaking glass and a heavy thud. Charlie ran out of the room before Annie had time to react. She chased after him, but he was already out of her sight. When she did catch up to him the boy had already opened the door to his father's office. 

“Charlie…” Tommy’s gruff voice reached her ears before she stuck her head in. It hurt her heart to hear the pain and confusion in his voice. 

“Charlie,” Annie entered the room, sliding her hard across the littlest Shelby’s shoulders trying to pull him close. She kept her eyes off of his father. “Eun Beag.” Once they were outside she kneeled down to Charlie’s level and looked him in the eye. “Daddy’s not feeling well, so I’m going to make sure he gets into bed. Why don’t you go get some breakfast while I do that?”

“I can eat in my pajamas?” Annie wanted to laugh, she did, but her mind was too full of Tommy to process the humor in his question.

“Yes. Run along now.” And he did just that. Once he was gone, Annie took a deep breath. The woman was bracing herself before what she was about to witness.

Tommy was still on the ground, surrounded by glass and gin. There was a lit cigarette beside him. He was looking up at her with confused eyes, as though he didn’t know what was happening. Stepping on the cigarette, Annie kneeled down to his eye level, much like she did with his son.

“Thomas.”

“Annie...I-I”

“Shhh…” The nanny ran a hand over the man's forehead, pushing his hair back. “Shh, dear.” Both of them stayed like that for a moment, frozen in time, soaking each other in. “I need your help, Tommy. I can’t carry you up the stairs like I can your boy.” Annie reached down and slid her left arm under his right. Thankfully, he got the message and pushed himself up. “Thank you, Tom.” Physically, they were so close. His body was warm and his breath smelt of gin. Annie could count all his freckles if she wanted, which she wanted, but as close as they were they couldn’t be farther apart. 

“I’ve made a mess, Ann.” Tommy’s whisper was husky and sad.

“You have. You really have. It’ll get cleaned up though."

___

“You can’t keep doing this.” Polly told him bluntly. “You have Charlie you need to think of.”

“I know.” Was Tommy’s reply.

“Poor Annie cannot be both his nanny and yours.” So, Tommy deducted, it was Annie who called his aunt. He couldn’t remember much of the time that passed since coming back from his golfing excursion, but he did remember Annie. He remembered her warm dark eyes staring into his. He remembered the way her soft fingers felt on his forehead. He remembered the disappointment in her voice.

“I know.” Polly’s sigh was loud and rang in his ears like church bells. The older woman continued to speak to him, talking about bad gypsy blood. He wanted her to stop all this nonsense. The blood. The booze. The war. The doctors. He removed his glasses and ran a hand over his face. In all of her nonsense, Polly did have a point. It all began when it got quiet.

So the next morning he donned his suit, and his jacket, and his cap and decided that he was done resting. He was headed back to work. Back to normalcy. Resting be damned. When he was dead he could rest and then maybe in the next life, things would be different. As he walked out of the house, towards his automobile, a noise from the staircase made him pause. He inhaled and turned, knowing exactly who he would see.

Sure enough, Annie was standing at the foot of the stairs. She was so beautiful. Her skirt was navy and her shirt a stark pressed white. Her hair was pulled into a bun at the side of her head. Her eyes were as dark as ever and so incredibly sad. She was so sad. 

“Tommy...Please…” She didn’t finish her request and she didn’t need to. He knew what she was asking. Tommy...Please come back whole. Please come back normal. Please stop drinking. Please be okay. Tommy wasn’t so sure that was possible, but Annie was asking for it so he nodded. And then he left.


	20. And I’m Not Going Anywhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Annie makes a choice and Tommy reacts in typical and not so typical Thomas Shelby fashion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angry Tommy up ahead. Could be triggering depending on who you are. Tommy can be a bit toxic (putting it lightly) and I feel like I haven’t shown that enough. I hope you enjoy this chapter. As always, let me know what you think!

Annie was leaving. She decided it the moment Tommy walked out the door. Seeing Tommy the day before, a drunken zombie, ruined something inside of her. Hearing Charlie ask after his father, voice scared, ruined something inside her. Annie couldn’t do it anymore. She loved Tommy. She did. Loved him in a way she never thought she would love again. In a way she’d never felt before

“Ada…” She said into the receiver of the telephone she was using.

“Annie!” The nanny could hear the pleasant tone of surprise in her friend's voice. “This is a treat.” 

“Ada, I’m leaving.” The line was silent for a moment.

“Leaving?”

“I have to go. I have-I can’t do this anymore.” Before picking up the phone, that evening after Charlie had gone to bed, Annie decided she would be brave. She no longer felt brave. Now she was crying and her chest hurt.

“Do what? Annie, darling, I need you to be more specific.”

“I can’t stay anymore. I need to leave. I-I can’t...I can-” Annie’s tears had now turned into sobs. She was gasping for air.

“Darling, stay put. Don’t leave yet! This will all get better. I will make this better. Don’t you DARE leave, Annie Lewis.” There was no response by sniffles, from Annie. “Annie, I need to hear you say it. I need you to promise me you won’t leave.”

“I...I promise, Ada.”

“Good girl.” Ada comforted. “Now, go wash your face and drink some tea. Everything will be fine, you just need to be patient.” Annie nodded as though the Shelby sister could see her. She wanted to believe the promise that it would all be fine, but as she hung up the phone her heart felt heavy. Too heavy. She still wanted to run, needed to run, but Ada’s words were racing through her head. Her friend asked her to stay put, so she would.

___

“Thomas Shelby!” Ada yelled as she threw the doors to his office open. Tommy looked up from the report he was reading. His glasses were sitting on the bridge of his nose. Today had been a long day. A day spent deciding the rest of his and his family's future.Thomas Shelby OBE, MP had a nice ring to it.

“What did I do now?” His voice was steady and monotone, not caring for the dramatics of his sister.

“You tell me, you bastard!” An outburst from Ada was not completely uncommon, but the fire in his told him that this time something was different. “She called me crying! Told me she was leaving! What did you do?” She was practically growling now.

“Who Ada? Who is leaving?” Ada approached his desk slowly, bending down to meet his eyes.

“Annie.” The world stopped spinning. His heart stopped beating. He stopped breathing.

“I have to go.” Tommy pushed his chair back from his desk and ran to grab his jacket from the coat rack by the door. Quickly, he stuffed his arms into the sleeves and left his office. Ada was chasing after him, spouting off some nonsense, but he had no time for it. Annie couldn’t leave. She just couldn’t.

That was what was repeating over and over in his head. He’d felt panic before, but not like this. He felt panic when Grace was bloody in his arms. He felt panic when his son was taken. He felt it when John and Michael and Annie had been shot. But this panic? This panic was animalistic. Tommy was not going to let her leave. He would do whatever it took. Annie wasn’t going anywhere. She couldn’t leave. Not him. Not Charlie. Arrow House would not be the same without her. Tommy would not be the same without her. Annie had done more than leave her mark on their lives. They were as good as branded by her.

Tommy drove as fast as he could. Turns were quick and sharp and the dirt he rolled over became dark clouds hanging in the air. He slammed the door to the car shut and the door to the house open when he arrived home.

“Annie!” He screamed, not caring if he woke anyone. “Annie fuckin’ Lewis!” Tommy yelled again. His voice bounced off the wooden walls. “You get in here right now!”

“I’m not a child, Tommy.” Her voice was flat and displeased. The Shelby man turned to face her and was taken aback by her tear swollen face. “What do ya’ want?” Annie’s Scottish accent, which he knew she tried to keep hidden, peaked out from behind her lips. It made his heart stutter.

“Want to tell me why Ada came bursting into my office this evening?” The nanny’s dark eyes dropped and she sighed. “She said you were leaving. Tell me she’s a liar.” Annie turned around and walked into the sitting room. “Tell me she’s a liar, Annie.”

“I can’t stay here Tommy. It hurts too much.” Her words were honest, but Tommy should have expected that. When was Annie not honest?

“No.” The word was simple and his voice was dark. 

“You can’t force me to stay.” He stalked closer to her. Tommy knew he resembled a predator, desperate for the prey in front of him. He was desperate. The man took her tiny shoulders in his hands.

“No.” He repeated, shaking her gently. “You aren’t leaving me.” Annie pulled herself out of his grasp, clearly angry. 

“Don’t you dare tell me what I-” She began to say, but her words were cut off.

“You’re not fuckin’ leaving me!” Something in him broke as he said this. Everything from the beginning of time, it felt, was now tumbling through a crack in his soul. Tears began to fall from his eyes and his chest heaved with a sob. “I need you.” Annie’s eyes were wide with shock. Never had she seen Tommy like this. Rarely had she seen a grown man like this. Just as she was beginning to approach him, he reached out to her. Tommy pushed her back against the wall and in the heat of anger and sorrow, covered her lips with his. “I need you.” He sobbed, tasting salty tears and the peppermint on Annie’s lips. 

“Okay…” She whispered back, running her fingers over his cheek. He felt hope in that moment. A hope he’d not felt since he learned the Great War was over.


	21. I've Seen You Carry Family and all Your Insecurities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Annie and Tommy do some talking.

They were sitting outside in the back garden. The sun was just beginning to rise above the morning fog. A wind rustled the dew soaked grass and Annie could hear the horses neighing in the stable. Neither Annie nor Tommy slept that night. They left the library, lips sliding against one another. Fingers intertwined in the fabric of the others' clothing. Annie did not acknowledge the questions that were on the tip of her tongue. She pushed them back into the dark corners of her mind where she tried to keep the horrors and traumas and pains of her life. However, the questions slipped past all the walls and locks she had them behind and by the time they came to this moment, those thoughts and questions consumed her.

“Ann…” Tommy said. Annie looked up to meet his eyes which were as blue as the sky. That blue calmed her, if only for a second. “Tell me what’s wrong.” 

“What makes you think something is wrong?” A part of her resented the fact that he could read her so easily. When did it become that way?

“You haven’t said much of anything.”

“If my memory serves me correctly, we were busy.” Her cheeks warmed at the thoughts that flooded her mind. Thoughts of Tommy’s fingers roaming over her body. His petal lips pressing against her own. Thoughts of the silent night only full of loving sighs and low groans. Tommy smirked for a moment.

“Are you trying to distract me, Miss. Lewis?” He inquired.

“You only ask because it’s working.” Annie was smirking now, and by the glint in Tommy’s eyes she knew she was right.

“It’s only working because I’m allowing it to.” As she rolled her dark eyes he got out of his seat and slowly walked to her. Like a hound zeroing in on a little fox. Tommy stood behind her and placed her hands on her shoulders, squeezing softly. “I know what you’re doing. I know every single thought that is flying through that pretty little head of yours right this moment.”

“So you know that I want you to touch me then.” Was her reply. Annie was trying to get him off her trail. Trying to play him like he so often played others. Like he tried to play her many times before. 

“Yes…” He whispered, lips now by her ear. Tommy moved her hair away from her neck, the tips of his fingers tickling the skin there. It made her think of the hours before when his lips had been there instead. “Among other things.” Annie’s eyes closed.

“Like what other things, Tommy?” Her voice was a whisper now.

“Like what is going to happen now...And wondering if you made a mistake. And wondering if I think we made a mistake...And somewhere in there you’re also worrying about how Charlie fits into all of that.” Annie’s heart stopped with his words. How could she underestimate him? He knew her. He understood her. In all the ways she knew and understood him. “Now, now…” Annie looked up, meeting his eyes. “I won’t make you talk about all of that right now.”

“You won’t?” 

“No.” His smirk was still present on his face. “Not when you worked so hard to distract me. Who am I not to acknowledge that hard work?” The woman laughed.

“Come here.” He leaned down and she pecked his lips. “Thank you.”

___

“We can talk about all of those things running through my head now.” She told Tommy that night. He fixed her with a stare, thinking back over the day. They’d gone back to bed after watching the sunrise and stayed there until they could hear Charlie rummaging about. The entire day had been spent trying to be as normal as possible. It was Sunday and Tommy decided it was a good day for a ride. 

Charlie and Annie rode together on the grey horse he secretly had bred, broken, and trained for her. As for his own horse, he was on a new one that he had received from May Carlton. It’s fur was ruddy brown. They rode down to the creek on the edge of the property. There he watched as his son and the woman he loved picked wildflowers that were along the rocky bank. 

“Beautiful!” Annie gasped as Charlie held out a little purple flower. She gathered her hair and held it up, out of the way. “Put it behind my ear, Charlie!” The exchange made Tommy warm inside in the same way whiskey did.

“Are you sure you’re ready?” He had to know for certain. He didn’t want to scare her off.

“Tommy, what now? How do we go on? Do we get married? Do I only sleep with you? What about Charlie? Is he my son now? How do we explain all of this to him?” Tommy wanted to laugh. Annie’s rambling was nothing new and it just made the warm feeling he’d had since the morning grow.

“Annie, I love you. That’s all that matters. I want to marry you.” The words shocked him as they left his mouth, but they were true. There was a bit of fear on Annie’s face. “Unless you don’t want to.” He backtracked.

“Don’t you think you that’s a little too soon?”

“Have you ever known me to wait for the things that I want?” Tommy always took what he wanted. 

“But, what if I don’t want that?” The warm feeling in his chest suddenly went cold as ice. “No! No! I mean I do want that...Eventually. Thomas, I’m afraid.”

“Of what?”

“Of everything changing. I don’t want this to just be something either of us will regret...Or one of us gets hurt. Why did you finally decide I was worth the risk?”

“Why? Because I finally understand your worth...And you're not worth the risk...You’re worth everything. After Grace I lived in fear. My fear has cost me much, but I do not want it to cause me you. Don’t let your fear cost you your happiness.”

“It didn’t feel like this with Elliot.”

“It didn’t feel like this with Grace.” 

“I’m not Grace.” Her words were a whisper.

“I’m not Elliot.” He whispered back. “Let that be a good thing. Forget your fear. I’ll protect you. From the ones who want me. From my family. From myself...And even from you. Please trust me.”

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it has been forever and a day since I've posted something new. I won't make any excuses, but please know that I am so sorry! Truly! I also am sorry for this chapter. It's not my best work. Please let me know if you liked it.


	22. And I'm Not Going Anywhere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well folks, it's been awhile and I apologize. This is the end of the line for our darling Annie and Tommy. I have loved building their relationship and watching it grow and change in my mind and on paper, but it all ends here. I hope you all will enjoy this! I am thankful for you all choosing to take time to read this story of pain and love and everything in between. You all spurred me on when I felt like I could not.
> 
> I hope to be working on some new stuff soon. If you're a fan of Marvel, you should check in time to time! 
> 
> Love you all dearly! - S&S

“So, you married your whore then?” She heard Arthur’s loud voice carry up the stairs. She was walking down the hall from putting Charlie down for a nap. The excitement of the past few days was just too much for him. Arthur’s words were true thought. Well, somewhat. She and Tommy had been married the day prior. 

The ceremony was small. The only people there were an excited Charlie, a smug Ada, a reluctant Cora, and a frightened minister. She wore a borrowed dress of pale blue, adorned with lace and beads taken straight from Ada’s closet. It was too big, but Annie could not find it in herself to care. The flowers she held were wild and from Cora’s garden. 

“My wedding gift to you.” She said, nodding her head softly as she handed her little sister a mixed matched bouquet. 

“She was never Tommy’s whore.” Polly’s voice rang out, firmly.

“Thank you, Polly.” Annie said, smiling shyly at the older woman. They had both come a long way from the day where she and Annie sat in Tommy’s office, Annie shaking with nerves. “And yes Arthur, we are now man and wife.” The newly named Mrs. Shelby could barely contain her excitement at being bound to the man she loved. 

“Why the fuck was I not invited and where the fuck is the party?”

“You weren’t invited, bother, because we wanted to keep it small. As for the party, grab a bottle of whiskey and add it to your tea if you want.” Tommy picked up the newspaper that was on the cushion next to him. Annie took that spot for herself, her smile growing wider as her husband pressed his lips to her temple.

After a month of just being together and enjoying one another, Annie could not take it anymore and one morning, over breakfast, she suggested they get married.

“Are you proposing?” He asked, voice level, not letting any emotions free behind his mask.

“I-I think I am.” Annie didn’t necessarily intend for that to be the case, but the opportunity had now presented itself and she would be damned if she didn’t take it.

“Alright then. Does a fortnight from tomorrow work for you?”

“I think that sounds wonderful.”

Charlie had been the first one they told and was by far the most excited. His father and his Nee together forever? He loved the idea of that and mentioned it to them daily. Annie loved that he was so happy with their decision. It calmed the fears she had in her mind, about being a mother figure to him.

“I, for one, am happy for them.” Ada said from her spot by the window. “It was about damn time, if you asked me.”

“Of course you would say that. You were invited to the wedding.” The hurt in Arthur’s voice reminded Annie of Charlie whenever she told him it was time to trade play time for bath time. It only caused her to giggle. 

“Shut up about it, won’t you? Next time I get married, I’ll make sure you’re the one I invite.” Tommy rolled his eyes.

“Next time, yeah?” Annie raised an eyebrow and fitted him with narrowed eyes. His only answer was a smirk. His smirk was something she loved and hated in equal measure. It taunted her in her dreams in the best way possible. 

“Knock it off.”Arthur grumbled. Annie shifted in her seat, moving closer to Tommy. There was a weight she no longer felt on her shoulders and for the first time since the Italian’s put a bullet in her, killing her baby and taking her husband, she felt happy. She felt peaceful. She felt content. 

“What are you smiling about?” Tommy asked in a whisper, leaning in close.

“I think the better question is what am I not smiling about?”

__

Tommy looked at Annie’s fingers as she picked up her teacup. Specifically, his eyes were trained on the thin gold band that sat on the third finger of her left hand. It wasn’t a heavy ring, but it still carried so much weight. He looked back at his own hand, brushing his thumb on the underside of his own ring.

“We won’t regret this, will we?” Tommy asked. Annie’s lips pursed on on the rip of her cup and she hummed. It was a short and thoughtful sound.

“We might.” The honesty in her words did not shock him. “But, I think we would have regretted it if we didn’t.” That was a sentiment he felt in his bones. His wife smiled and stretched her arm across the table, taking one of his hands in her own. “Life is full of regret, Tom. I think it’s what we do with that regret that really matters.”

“I married a wise woman.” 

“How lucky.” The humor in her eyes made her dark orbs sparkle like stars and he suddenly felt as though he was young again. 

“Lucky, indeed.” Tommy could say that confidently. He was an expert on the subject. Before the Great War he didn’t believe much in luck, but after? After he knew he was lucky to be alive. He was lucky he’d not been shot dead yet. He was lucky that his son was upstairs, taking in slow breaths as he slept. He was lucky the woman in front of him chose not turn a blind eye to the on goings of his life, but instead accepted it for the mess that it was.  
“Tommy, darling, you’re far too deep into your own head tonight.” Annie’s words were true, but he couldn’t help it. He just kept digging and digging. Afterall, he was an expert.

“What do you suggest we do to remedy that, oh wise wife?” He got out of his chair and walked towards the dark headed woman.

“Hmm, I’m not sure darling husband. I can think of a few things.” Now she stood, leaving her cup on the table, and walked towards the hallway. “You’ll have to trust me though.” And with a quick wink and a light giggle, she walked out of the room.

Didn’t she know? He trusted her with his life. With his everything. Never in his life had he felt this way about someone. Not even Grace. For a brief time the blonde woman betrayed his trust. Annie had not that and he didn’t think she could. She seemed incapable of doing so.

“Tommy!” She called out, her voice drifting down the hallway. He followed the sound, knowing he would follow her anywhere. And he was completely okay with that.


End file.
